Emotional Healing: Gifts From My Child

The Love of My Child

    

  

[caption id="attachment_260" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="Liam at the ripe earthly age of 7"][/caption]

 

We celebrated my son's 7th birthday this weekend.  The day before his birthday, I picked him up from school and on the way home we had this conversation:      

          

Me: Did you have a wonderful day today?          

My Son: Yes.  We celebrated my birthday in class and had cupcakes.         

Me:  That sounds like fun.          

My Son:  Hey mom, when we're in the spirit world together, did you know we will always stay young and we don't have booboo's, and there's no blood and we just get to be together and be happy?          

Me:  Wow, that's wonderful.          

My Son:  You and me and dad will be together forever.          

Me:  I'm so glad you picked me as your mommy.  I love having you as my son.          

My Son:  Me too.  And dad too.  We will be a family for lifetimes mom, over and over and over again because I love you so much.  I will be born over and over and I will get to be with you and dad.          

Me:  I'm so glad.  You know why?  Because you are the most wonderful boy ever, ever, ever and I love you so much.  You're so fabulous.  I hope you are born to me over and over.          

My Son:  I'm so glad you said that mom.  I was hoping you would say that.   

 

And I thought to myself : "He knows we have been together before, in another lifetime."              

    

Children Understand Living Yoga

        

                 

My child never ceases to amaze me.  So loving and so kind.  His father and I show him lot's of affection every day.  We cuddle, we play, we talk.  We talk a lot.  I introduced Liam to yoga a couple of years ago.  He loves it.  Yoga inspires him and encourages him to be creative, connected, loving, respectful and compassionate toward others, toward animals, toward life.  He has reverence for life.  I watch him intently to learn from him, Satya, truth.  In fact, I absorb everything he has to teach me about the yamas and niyamas.     

         

One day, we were planting flowers.  We planted a miniature Magnolia.  After we were done padding down the soil, he hugged the tree.  I said, "That's so nice Liam."  His reply, "I know they need water, but they need love too mom, to help them grow", and then proceeded to go around and touch everything we just planted to show that he cared.           

           

I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but he is a great kid.  He still wants to get dirty, play baseball and fantasize about being some army soldier who saves people from exploding bombs, or being a fireman who saves people from burning buildings. There is a balance.  He practices, quite naturally, the art of balance.  He doesn't have to think about it. 

  

 

Children Understand the Power of Forgiveness 

   

        

If one of his friends hurts his feelings, we talk about it, and no grudge is held for long.  He forgives and moves on.  Again, I watch and learn.       

        

When I asked him what he wanted to eat for his birthday dinner, he said, "I don't want to eat a lot of junk food mom, except cake.  I like healthy food.  It just feels better to me."       

        

        

What's not to love?  What's not to learn?  It seems every day I gain a healthier perspective and my heart just grows bigger and bigger.    

   

[caption id="attachment_268" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Showing me how to be "Flexible""][/caption]

        

         

         

         

          

          

 

 

        

Healing and Cleaning Up Relationships

 

I attended a wonderful yoga therapy workshop recently with Doug Keller, a yoga therapy expert.  There were twenty-plus students in the room on the first day and it was warm and almost musty as we began working through the first series of poses.  Normally I would be so focused on what foot to bring forward,  what arm to raise or the fact that I actually need to breathe, but there was something else in the room that caught my eye. 

I noticed a face across the room that vaguely resembled that of someone I used to know, someone I was very close with a long time ago.  As we grew apart our painful relationship ended.  I quickly dismissed the idea that it could be her, as sometimes this world just seems so big.  I went back to focusing on my breath, one asana, two, and  there she was again, perhaps a slightly heavier version of her.    I am always second guessing what my eyes see since at the ripe age of 40, I suddenly needed glasses to read a menu or a sign on the road.  But my mind started to wonder, what if it is her?

 

Reacting to Old Pain

 

Several years ago, I wouldn't  have stood in the same parking lot with an old friendship gone sour, let alone sit in a seminar face to face as the hours, no doubt, pass with increasing anxiety.  But the thought of her being there did not send off the usual alarm in my solar plexus.  I did not feel scared or nervous at the possibility of her presence.  Instead, as I looked at this old stranger, I felt compassion and asked that the universe send her love from across the room.  I felt no discomfort whatsoever.  I just kept sending her love.  I thought to myself, "Self, whatever the universe is bringing to your attention, embrace it.  Let it be. There is something of value here."

After class, the woman disappeared so quickly, I was unable to approach her.  The next day, she did not return.  I asked to see the class roster and there was no one by her name in class the evening before.  I learned something about myself that day.  One, my eyes sometimes deceive me.  Two, my heart does not.  My heart tells me the truth every time.  My heart was broken a long time ago, but it is on the mend now, so feeling the need to defend my position in life or who I am no longer has a choke hold on me.  I was prepared to just let things be.  If it was her, I did not want her to have to defend who she was or is now.  I was prepared to accept her just the way she was, having a complete understanding that everyone is in a different place and needs to experience, without my opinions, whatever it is they need to experience.  I was, so they say, unattached to my own ego and the outcome.  While I have not come to perfect this craft, it was wonderful to experience this weekend.

 

Practicing Yoga and Meditation Helps Release Old Pain

 

Although sometimes it can be extremely useful to speak to old friends or family members whom we have hurt or who have hurt us, it is not necessary in order to clean up the relationship and release painful feelings.  It does, however, require honesty with ourselves and honesty with the universe, with God.  Sometimes, if it is too uncomfortable to speak with someone directly or the circumstance to communicate face to face do not present itself, we can ask the universe to lift the burden of pain, to release us from thoughts and feelings that bind us to our past, the thoughts that no longer serve us.

Practicing yoga and meditation helps us to become more clear about our lives, our pain, and provides us a space with which to forgive ourselves, forgive others, and release old pain.  In turn, we make room for a new path, a path of compassion, love, a good feeling place in our hearts that is no longer bound by the pain of our past.  We are able to clean up our relationships with ourselves and with others.  And we are free to love again.  We are free.

 

 

Emotional Upsets - Food to Fill The Void

 

    

Emotional Upsets - Food to Fill the Void

    

Has anyone ever said to you, "Wow, you look like you've lost weight", when you know you haven't, and in fact, weigh the same amount as you always have, give or take a few?  Maybe you've even inhaled some undesirable food and you feel like you're packing it on. Your response might be a simple thank you, or, if your anything like me, you immediately pose these questions to yourself, "Why would he/she say that?  Was I fat before?   Do I look like I need to lose weight?"  Someone is just trying to give you a compliment and you castastrophize it with self-doubt. The truth is, I have struggled with my weight for years fluctuating five or ten, even fifteen pounds depending on my emotional state that week or month.  I know that may not seem like much to some people, but it is something to me.  Of course it is not the weight.  The weight is a symptom.  Like author Janet Greeson says, "It's not what your eating, it's what's eating you."   

    

When We Don't Feel We Belong

    

What I have found through years of peeling my own emotional onion is that it is not the weight, the few pounds I gain here or there or the tipping of the scale that gives me the upset.  It is a question that I have asked myself when I am willing to look beyond the cellulite in the mirror, "Do I feel I have a right to be here?"  And what do you think the answer was?  From a logical perspective, my all-knowing, never wrong, brain speaking, the answer was and always is, "Yes!  Of course I have a right to be here!  What a ridiculous question."  But when my heart spoke, the very first time I asked myself that question, facing myself in the mirror I might add, the answer was a resounding, "NO!"  I broke down.  "So that's the real issue Donna, you feel like you're taking up space.  You're too big, too bulky, too fat and you just don't belong."  That "NO" began in my late teens, and since then I have grown tremendously, but the question remains the same and here's what I have found:   

    

It's Never About the Food

    

    

When we don't feel comfortable with who we are, we may not feel a sense of belonging, so we look outside of ourselves for something that will make us feel better, perhaps not realizing that it is what is inside us that gives us our security, our sense of self-worth.  So, for some people, this may be shopping.  For others it may be drinks after work or even drinking heavily, or keeping a very busy schedule, too busy in fact, to sit down and be quiet with nothing else but our own physical presence.  For others food provides comfort.  Looking outside seems so much easier and more fun until you go broke, get too big for your britches, literally, or fall down drunk.  Like so many people searching, I have experienced all of the above and more.  You are not alone.   

    

Yoga and Meditation Tame The Emotional Rollercoaster

    

Through yoga and meditation, I have learned to tame the emotional rollercoaster.  Now mind you, I have not perfected this craft, but I can tell you, I don't binge anymore and even when I eat a little too much, I go easy on myself.  I am much more conscious about what I put into my mouth.  No I don't work out like crazy at the gym.  Could I use more exercise?  Yes.  So I walk.  I walk in nature, on the beach.  I practice yoga.  My body is not perfect anymore and I am not trying to make it so.  I just want to be healthy and happy.  A daily dose of yoga and meditation can do wonders.  When practiced consistently, awareness and self-love become more palpable, more sustainable and the need for all those outside distractions begin to fall to the wayside.  I'm not saying this happens overnight.  But it is definitely doable.   

 

    

 

[caption id="attachment_240" align="aligncenter" width="130" caption="A Nice Stroll on the Sidewalk...ahh, feels good"][/caption]

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

 

Healing: Yoga, Meditation & Friendship

How Yoga and Meditation Helped My Friendships

 

My friend Brigid came to town this week to spend a little one on one time with me and to take a mommy break.  She's one of those people who can just go, go, go all day long.  She always looks at life from the bright side.  She is a chatterer, a booster, a lift me up kind of gal, the kind of person you would call when you get into a tizzy or you feel depressed, because you know she will, with no seemingly great effort, lift you right up and have you believing you are the best thing since sliced bread in no time at all.  And not in a fake sort of way.  She really does believe you are the best in the world.

 

Becoming a Better Friend Requires Self-Love

 

Before I began studying and practicing yoga and meditation, I really struggled with depression, something people with difficult pasts often do.  I really had a hard time seeing the bright side of anything, and thus, hung around with anyone who would listen to me complain about life.  And they complained with me.  We were all just one big unhappy complaining party.  It is one thing to feel depressed and quite another to know that you are milking the depression cow for everything it's worth.

Practicing yoga and meditation required me to take an honest look at myself, which, of course, knowing I was milking the cow, I was ready to do.  In the  process of slowing down and becoming still, you have no one to be with but yourself. I can tell you, as a person, who for many years, had no self-worth, this was no easy task.  Meditate???  For years, I didn't want to feel anything.  I didn't think I was capable of sitting down quietly without getting a headache from all the junk that lived rent free in my head. I couldn't imagine being alone with myself, not that I minded being physically alone, as long as I had something to do.  Actually, I preferred being alone, as I thought no one would really want to be around me.

Here's the thing:  I WAS WRONG!

 

SLOWING DOWN AND BECOMING STILL IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO SEE MYSELF FOR WHO I TRULY AM: WONDERFUL

 

Practicing yoga and meditation has, quite literally, relieved me of antidepressants, and has helped me realize my self-worth.  I'm not this ugly person I thought I was.  Sometime along the way, I had programmed myself into believing that I wasn't worth much.  I walked around with a wall around me, pretending everything was fine, and complaining, among many other distractions, was just another way to keep myself from facing my own truths.  I judged others as harshly I judged myself.  But I was also lifted by so many people who crossed my path.

People like my friend Brigid constantly help me see my own brilliance.  We help each other. I have quite a few friends like this, friends I no longer sit and complain with, but with which great synergy resides.  I have found that the people with in the yoga communities I frequent elevate each other.  I  have found that through self-love I am a better friend.  I listen, support and try to elevate the energy around me just by allowing myself to be who I really am. Loving. Supportive. Elevating.

 

[caption id="attachment_229" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Brigid & Me"][/caption]

Nia & Yoga - Feels Really Good

Nia & Yoga - Getting in Touch with my Creativity

 

Over the last six months, I have been repeatedly invited to try a Nia class.  Trained in Hatha, I am used to a certain sequence of poses and very comfortable knowing what's coming next, knowing what I am doing.  Various people have tried to describe to me what it feels like to take a Nia class, often describing the feeling of moving freely, using ones own creativity to allow the body to move as it pleases.  NIA actually stands for Neuromuscular Integrative Action. The definition  a local studio I recently visited includes: a highly aerobic, non-impact workout to rockin' music, incorporating coordinated movements and concepts from martial arts, dance and yoga; delivering increased energy, cardiovascular conditioning and FUN!

Not recruiting anyone to join me on this new and fascinating adventure, showing up for a one hour class on a cold winter evening forty minutes from my home, I walked in and was welcomed with open arms and excitement by a group of people seemingly happy that a newcomer climbed aboard.  There was no time to be nervous because my nervousness was diffused by the welcoming committee, the students.

Nia Feels Graceful and Light

 

Off with my shoes and socks and into the dimly lit, shiny floored room I went.  Uh oh, this place has mirrors.  Hmmm...not really sure I want to look at myself during all of this.  But there we were, standing in a circle and the music begins.  It is nicely paced,  sexy with a beat, yet warm and comforting.  We are beginning to move, hips first, arms second, not in a rigid way, but rather a flowing graceful sort of way.  No one is paying attention to anyone, except me of course, looking around to see if what I am doing is correct.  Everyone is looking in the mirror, watching their own bodies move with delight.  I am busy watching the instructor, who catches my eye and smiles every chance she gets.  She is warm and friendly and I feel myself beginning to relax.

Ten minutes into it, I am definitely looking in the mirror thinking, "This isn't so bad.  You look pretty good.  These mirrors are like carnival mirrors.  They make you look thinner than you actually feel.  Wonder where they got them?"  We continue on as we float around the room.  My hair is flying around...and I like it.  I like the way I feel, beautiful and graceful and so what if I'm not doing it perfectly.  I am not perfect, yet I feel perfect when I just allow my body to go with the flow.  It feels so nice, the music fills me up, and I feel really sexy.  Why am I telling you this?

  

Getting in Touch with Feminity, Creativity, Joy and Sexiness

 

After rape, or any kind of physical or emotional trauma, it is very common to shut down the parts of yourself that are creative, sexy and joy filled.  It could be that we married and had children...and well, life happened and we got distracted by life's daily activities.  Either way, sometimes it takes a while to find our joy again.  It might take some time to feel that sexiness you once felt.  I'm talking about authentic sexiness, joy that can only come when you truly love yourself, when you see your own light.  In this case, I hadn't seen myself as sexy for quite some time.  Oh sure, the occasional dress up and go to dinner feels good.  Or sometimes I go in the bathroom, shut the door, plug my ipod into my ears dance around in front of the mirror.  But never in front of anyone, which is curious for anyone who knows my past and my bar dancing days.

 

Seeing Your Own Light

 

This was different.  I stepped out of my comfort zone, something I find very difficult at times because I...we all, like to stick with what feels familiar.  I tried something new.  And you know what happened?  I saw my light.  In other words, I reminded myself, by the mere act of looking in the mirror, seeing myself move however graceful or ungraceful, how beautiful I really am.  Sometimes I forget.  Sometimes I forget to see my light because I am so afraid I'm going to see something else, something ugly.  But it is never so.  I look.  I see.  I feel. I am beautiful.  Today.

 

 

 

 

Aging Gracefully - Letting Things Be

Yoga - Let the Real Me Emerge

 

I will be 45 this week.  I think back to 35 and 25 and thank God I am 45.  I think I like getting older.  I'm not even sure I remember 25 and that's perfectly fine with me.  At 35 life was getting much better.  I finished my Master's, lived in a apartment on the top floor looking right at Neiman Marcus.  I think my biggest concern each day was deciding who was going to take me to lunch or dinner that day.  What a life!  But while that part of life was really nice, I was still very lonely and attached to what other people thought about me, still not quite knowing who I was, looking for that something, drink, dress, trip to fill me up.  But it never really lasted.  I was not the person I wanted to be.   

A New Kind of Energy

At that time I was beginning to take yoga classes.  The classes were held in a gym, so there wasn't much talk, if any, about the philosophy of yoga, but rather just enough quiet and stillness to provoke thought and move me to start reading very spiritually based books like gary Zukav's, Seat of the Soul, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, Where Are You Going by Swami Muktananda, and some of my very favorite Marianne Williamson's books I still refer to today.  And so, I started to grow, increasing my awareness, my own accountability, my role in life and how I was contributing or not contributing.  As time passed and I engaged in in more yogic activity, I began to surround myself with people who elevated me.  And I observed how these people lived, how graceful and appreciative, how non-judgemental and loving.  It's as if they knew I needed to be loved and they loved me, my beautiful husband being one of those people, whom I am certain crossed my path as a new kind of energy began to emerge. 

 Feeling Beautiful Comes With Age

So, the past is the past and I have lived through tremedous pain, pain that at one time, I never thought would ever lift.  But time heals.  Forgiveness heals, forgiving myself as well as others.   My past no longer holds me hostage.  I love myself.  I think Marianne says it beautifully in her book "The Age of Miracles", when she explains how past lessons affect us:

"You were being given the chance to become the person you're capable of being.  Some lessons you passed, some you have to take again.  Some you enjoyed, and some you resisted and might have hated.  But they've left you--if you choose--a better person, a more vulnerable person, a wiser person, a more noble person.  And from that all things are possible."

And My Favorite Part...Fabulous At Any Age

"A youthful body is wonderful, but it's not all it's cracked up to be when you're not who you should be.  And once you are, the cracks in your body can have a beauty of their own.  You don't have to be young to be fabulous."

I have a friend who is close to 80 years young, who said to me one day, when I told her I was getting Botox, "I don't believe in any of that stuff.  I've earned every single wrinkle and scar on this body, head to toe."  And she is, with all of her earned wrinkles, the most spectacular woman.  Now, just to clarify, I'm not so humble that I am ready to toss the Botox, but I can tell you, the more I get to know myself, the more I love myself.  Meditaton reveals to me who I really am and Yoga helps me embrace myself, imperfections and all.  The real me is stepping forward.  Turns out diamonds are not this girls best friend, I am.

 

[caption id="attachment_198" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Happy Birthday to Me!"][/caption]

The First Chakra - Dealing With Insecurity

 

The Unbalanced Muladhara

 

"Fear drives us further into a sense of separation.  Faith leads us out of separation and into the awareness of the flow of life that is greater than ourselves." 

 

David Pond

 Chakras:  The Universal Life Force That Circulates Through Us All : Located In The Subtle Body

 

The root chakra, the one I constantly seem to be addressing, covers a wide array of feelings.  Muladhara,  the root chakra, really has to do with survival, physical identity and self-preservation.  Your body is a vehicle in which to balance this chakra, in fact, all of your chakras, each one governing different aspects of your life.  This particular chakra is associated with survival instinct and the will to live, feelings that most people have to deal with at some point in their lives, but is especially pertinent, at least in this blog, to survivors of rape, violent acts and people in general who have suffered from PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

 

  When unbalanced, we might feel sluggish and resistant. Overeating and hoarding are common as well as greediness, workaholism and excessive spending, all in an attempt to feel secure.  On the other end of the spectrum we might feel a tremendous amount of anxiety, restlessness, flightiness, and may feel disconnected from the body.  We may not like our body at all.  We may not feel like we have a right to be here, like we don't fit.  All of of these feelings revolve around this never-ending cycle of remorse and insecurity leaving us to suffer on the path of self-destruction, finding at every corner, someone who will absolutely confirm our victim-like views of scarcity. 

 

You know those feelings.  They sound something like this:

 

 There will never be enough money. 

 

I don't fit in. 

 

 I will never fit in. 

 

I don't belong here. 

 

I don't feel safe.

 

I'm not good enough.

 

I need to earn my right to exist.

 

And if we're really honest?  I'm scared to death.

 

When we are feeling this kind of energy, or lack thereof, it is easy to find circumstances that support our views and our feelings inadequacy, telling us every day how worthless we are.  We might be constantly feeling a sense of fight or flight, always feeling defensive.  We feel that deep down we are not supported.  We do not trust the universe to support us.  This often comes up on us at night when we are trying to sleep.  We have insomnia.  And while it is not the same for everyone, I find that most often people are afraid to let go.  We are afraid the universe will not support us and thus we stay up unaware of why we are not able to just fall asleep.  We feel pain, anxiety, tightness around the solar plexus, our mind races...whatever the symptom, this comes down to trust.  The good news is that we can do simple exercises to help balance our root chakra.  And when we begin to balance, we feel so much better.

 

A Balanced First Chakra

When we are balanced, we feel secure in the earth, grounded, knowing the universe is there to support us.  We are physically healthy and comfortable in our body.  We have a sense of calm.  We feel safe and secure and know we have a right to be here, to live, prosperously.  And better yet, we are able to be still.  We no longer need distractions.  We are present.  Everything seems to fall into place.  We are surrounded by like-minded people and circumstances that confirm how wonderful we really are.  Others feel safe around us.  We sleep peacefully.  We feel a sense of calm.  We are still here, same body, same house, same earth, but we are now feeling balanced, which in turn, allows us to to respond to lifes challenges maybe a little more gracefully, knowing that whatever is thrown our way, shall too, pass.

 

We've been here before:  It sounds something like this:

 

There is enough to go around for everyone.

 

I feel loved and supported by God, by the Universe.

 

I feel safe and secure.

 

I really like who I am.

 

I have a right to be here. I love being here.

 

I feel healthy and grounded.

 

I feel stable.

 

 

 

So how do we balance the root chakra?  How do we get to that place where we feel secure and balanced?  There are many things we can do such as yoga and mediation, chakra clearing, getting connected with nature and just plain physical exercise.  Any physical exercise such as biking, hiking, walking and gardening can quickly connect us with the earth. 

 

Connection with the Earth: When walking in my yard, I almost always take my shoes off and allow a direction connection between me and the earth, often lying down right in the middle of my back yard to stare up at the tall community of trees surrounding me and the never-ending supply of blue sky reminding me that there is something so great, so big supporting me that I need not fear.  I can let go, if even for a little while.  Needless to say, spring, summer and fall are great months, at least at my house!

 

Meditation is great for grounding because we are sitting at attention, but not in a rigid way, perched on our first chakra.  If we do nothing but just listen to the sound of our breath even for 5-20 minutes per day, we can quiet our mind enough, to just allow our true sense fo self to emerge.  It's as if our mind slows the chatter and we feel moments of peace and after practicing for a while, we begin to feel that there is something greater out there supporting us.  We may receive answers to questions that have been nagging us.  Sometimes I use the morning to sit quietly for 10 minutes to affirm to myself that I am loved and supported and I ask for guidance and for truth to be revealed to me in the way that God would have me see it, in the way that the universe would have me experience the truth.  From this perspective, my life doesn't seem so chaotic, so uncertain.

 

Yoga Poses such as tree pose, seated forward bend, child pose and the warrior poses, among many others, all help balance the root chakra.

 

 

[caption id="attachment_185" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Liam & Mommy in Child's Pose"][/caption]



 

 

 

[caption id="attachment_187" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Liam & Mommy in Warrior Two"][/caption]

 



 

 

 

Massage and Chakra Clearing are nice treats for the first chakra.  Sometimes I massage my own feet in the bathtub or treat myself to a nice massage at Urban Nirvana here in Charleston.  Or I go to a specialist, like Suzanne Goldston at Seeking Indigo for chakra clearing, reiki treatments Ayurvedic and other  treatments.

 

 

[caption id="attachment_184" align="aligncenter" width="224" caption="Suzanne Goldston and Me at Seeking Indigo"][/caption]