Healing: Making Peace With Loved Ones Past

Remembering Our Loved Ones

 

A couple of weeks ago, my sister would have been 52.  She died July 2, 1997 of an amniotic embolism.  She was 8 months pregnant with her third child when she went to the bathroom, stood up, and cried "Somethings wrong! Call 911" , dropped to the floor and tried to crawl to the phone, but could not survive the attack.  Her baby daughter never opened her eyes and died several days later.  Naturally, it was a very devastating time for me and for my family.

 

When Rape is What You Share in Common

 

For the most part, my sister and I were very close.  Although we lived very different lives, we shared something in common.  We were both raped when we were teenagers and we both held onto a lot of anger.  We constantly operated from a fear based state. Of course, we did not know that at the time.  Being in fight or flight all the time just felt normal to us.  Beating ourselves up for every little thing just felt normal.  We  judged harshly.  We judged each other.  We judged everything and everyone.  You can only imagine how exhausted we were.  We looked for ways to ease the pain, not fully understanding, the answer to living peacefully wasn't even a stones throw away.  All we really had to do was look in the mirror and let the walls fall.  Such a process, of course, is easier said than done.

 

Sometimes Anger Leads to Insight

 

My sister and had a falling out about twelve months before she died.  It wasn't a blow up and there was no yelling.  I felt I had to be honest with her about something, and while I felt peaceful about our conversation, it ended our closeness.  We were never close again.  Cordial, but not close.  In hindsight, I realize this was about the time we both began our spiritual journey, separate, but together.  We loved each other deeply and there was no doubt we both wanted to heal.  So we just let each other be.

 

Letting Go

 

We both began reading a lot of spiritual literature. We both went inward.  She was never close to my oldest sister, not as long as I can remember, not ever.  We all found ourselves walking on eggshells, careful not to light any fires.  The night she transitioned, an action that appeared to be out of the blue, she took a drive over to my oldest sister's home and tried to make amends for a lifetime of animosity suggesting to my oldest sister that they begin again, new and fresh.  She also hugged my middle sister and my parents and told everyone that she loved and appreciated them.  She went home and died several hours later.

 

Meditation Allows Us A Peaceful Connection

 

I was not there as I lived three thousand miles away, so it was very difficult, but I knew we were ok and that she loved me and she knew with no uncertainty that I loved her.  For many years and to this day, I sometimes feel her presence, her love and support.  As I sit quietly, shut my eyes and breathe, I can clearly see her laughing joyfully.  I know she has let go. I know, in the pit of my soul, she is happy and free. I can feel her gently nudging me sometimes, to go deeper, to travel inward.  Sometimes, I am nervous about letting go, about letting the walls fall, but I know that when I take the time to sit quietly, I am also happy.  I am also free.

 

[caption id="attachment_307" align="aligncenter" width="96" caption="Happy Birthday Patty! We Miss You."][/caption]

 

Emotional Healing: Gifts From My Child

The Love of My Child

    

  

[caption id="attachment_260" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="Liam at the ripe earthly age of 7"][/caption]

 

We celebrated my son's 7th birthday this weekend.  The day before his birthday, I picked him up from school and on the way home we had this conversation:      

          

Me: Did you have a wonderful day today?          

My Son: Yes.  We celebrated my birthday in class and had cupcakes.         

Me:  That sounds like fun.          

My Son:  Hey mom, when we're in the spirit world together, did you know we will always stay young and we don't have booboo's, and there's no blood and we just get to be together and be happy?          

Me:  Wow, that's wonderful.          

My Son:  You and me and dad will be together forever.          

Me:  I'm so glad you picked me as your mommy.  I love having you as my son.          

My Son:  Me too.  And dad too.  We will be a family for lifetimes mom, over and over and over again because I love you so much.  I will be born over and over and I will get to be with you and dad.          

Me:  I'm so glad.  You know why?  Because you are the most wonderful boy ever, ever, ever and I love you so much.  You're so fabulous.  I hope you are born to me over and over.          

My Son:  I'm so glad you said that mom.  I was hoping you would say that.   

 

And I thought to myself : "He knows we have been together before, in another lifetime."              

    

Children Understand Living Yoga

        

                 

My child never ceases to amaze me.  So loving and so kind.  His father and I show him lot's of affection every day.  We cuddle, we play, we talk.  We talk a lot.  I introduced Liam to yoga a couple of years ago.  He loves it.  Yoga inspires him and encourages him to be creative, connected, loving, respectful and compassionate toward others, toward animals, toward life.  He has reverence for life.  I watch him intently to learn from him, Satya, truth.  In fact, I absorb everything he has to teach me about the yamas and niyamas.     

         

One day, we were planting flowers.  We planted a miniature Magnolia.  After we were done padding down the soil, he hugged the tree.  I said, "That's so nice Liam."  His reply, "I know they need water, but they need love too mom, to help them grow", and then proceeded to go around and touch everything we just planted to show that he cared.           

           

I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but he is a great kid.  He still wants to get dirty, play baseball and fantasize about being some army soldier who saves people from exploding bombs, or being a fireman who saves people from burning buildings. There is a balance.  He practices, quite naturally, the art of balance.  He doesn't have to think about it. 

  

 

Children Understand the Power of Forgiveness 

   

        

If one of his friends hurts his feelings, we talk about it, and no grudge is held for long.  He forgives and moves on.  Again, I watch and learn.       

        

When I asked him what he wanted to eat for his birthday dinner, he said, "I don't want to eat a lot of junk food mom, except cake.  I like healthy food.  It just feels better to me."       

        

        

What's not to love?  What's not to learn?  It seems every day I gain a healthier perspective and my heart just grows bigger and bigger.    

   

[caption id="attachment_268" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Showing me how to be "Flexible""][/caption]

        

         

         

         

          

          

 

 

        

Healing and Cleaning Up Relationships

 

I attended a wonderful yoga therapy workshop recently with Doug Keller, a yoga therapy expert.  There were twenty-plus students in the room on the first day and it was warm and almost musty as we began working through the first series of poses.  Normally I would be so focused on what foot to bring forward,  what arm to raise or the fact that I actually need to breathe, but there was something else in the room that caught my eye. 

I noticed a face across the room that vaguely resembled that of someone I used to know, someone I was very close with a long time ago.  As we grew apart our painful relationship ended.  I quickly dismissed the idea that it could be her, as sometimes this world just seems so big.  I went back to focusing on my breath, one asana, two, and  there she was again, perhaps a slightly heavier version of her.    I am always second guessing what my eyes see since at the ripe age of 40, I suddenly needed glasses to read a menu or a sign on the road.  But my mind started to wonder, what if it is her?

 

Reacting to Old Pain

 

Several years ago, I wouldn't  have stood in the same parking lot with an old friendship gone sour, let alone sit in a seminar face to face as the hours, no doubt, pass with increasing anxiety.  But the thought of her being there did not send off the usual alarm in my solar plexus.  I did not feel scared or nervous at the possibility of her presence.  Instead, as I looked at this old stranger, I felt compassion and asked that the universe send her love from across the room.  I felt no discomfort whatsoever.  I just kept sending her love.  I thought to myself, "Self, whatever the universe is bringing to your attention, embrace it.  Let it be. There is something of value here."

After class, the woman disappeared so quickly, I was unable to approach her.  The next day, she did not return.  I asked to see the class roster and there was no one by her name in class the evening before.  I learned something about myself that day.  One, my eyes sometimes deceive me.  Two, my heart does not.  My heart tells me the truth every time.  My heart was broken a long time ago, but it is on the mend now, so feeling the need to defend my position in life or who I am no longer has a choke hold on me.  I was prepared to just let things be.  If it was her, I did not want her to have to defend who she was or is now.  I was prepared to accept her just the way she was, having a complete understanding that everyone is in a different place and needs to experience, without my opinions, whatever it is they need to experience.  I was, so they say, unattached to my own ego and the outcome.  While I have not come to perfect this craft, it was wonderful to experience this weekend.

 

Practicing Yoga and Meditation Helps Release Old Pain

 

Although sometimes it can be extremely useful to speak to old friends or family members whom we have hurt or who have hurt us, it is not necessary in order to clean up the relationship and release painful feelings.  It does, however, require honesty with ourselves and honesty with the universe, with God.  Sometimes, if it is too uncomfortable to speak with someone directly or the circumstance to communicate face to face do not present itself, we can ask the universe to lift the burden of pain, to release us from thoughts and feelings that bind us to our past, the thoughts that no longer serve us.

Practicing yoga and meditation helps us to become more clear about our lives, our pain, and provides us a space with which to forgive ourselves, forgive others, and release old pain.  In turn, we make room for a new path, a path of compassion, love, a good feeling place in our hearts that is no longer bound by the pain of our past.  We are able to clean up our relationships with ourselves and with others.  And we are free to love again.  We are free.

 

 

Healing: Yoga, Meditation & Friendship

How Yoga and Meditation Helped My Friendships

 

My friend Brigid came to town this week to spend a little one on one time with me and to take a mommy break.  She's one of those people who can just go, go, go all day long.  She always looks at life from the bright side.  She is a chatterer, a booster, a lift me up kind of gal, the kind of person you would call when you get into a tizzy or you feel depressed, because you know she will, with no seemingly great effort, lift you right up and have you believing you are the best thing since sliced bread in no time at all.  And not in a fake sort of way.  She really does believe you are the best in the world.

 

Becoming a Better Friend Requires Self-Love

 

Before I began studying and practicing yoga and meditation, I really struggled with depression, something people with difficult pasts often do.  I really had a hard time seeing the bright side of anything, and thus, hung around with anyone who would listen to me complain about life.  And they complained with me.  We were all just one big unhappy complaining party.  It is one thing to feel depressed and quite another to know that you are milking the depression cow for everything it's worth.

Practicing yoga and meditation required me to take an honest look at myself, which, of course, knowing I was milking the cow, I was ready to do.  In the  process of slowing down and becoming still, you have no one to be with but yourself. I can tell you, as a person, who for many years, had no self-worth, this was no easy task.  Meditate???  For years, I didn't want to feel anything.  I didn't think I was capable of sitting down quietly without getting a headache from all the junk that lived rent free in my head. I couldn't imagine being alone with myself, not that I minded being physically alone, as long as I had something to do.  Actually, I preferred being alone, as I thought no one would really want to be around me.

Here's the thing:  I WAS WRONG!

 

SLOWING DOWN AND BECOMING STILL IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO SEE MYSELF FOR WHO I TRULY AM: WONDERFUL

 

Practicing yoga and meditation has, quite literally, relieved me of antidepressants, and has helped me realize my self-worth.  I'm not this ugly person I thought I was.  Sometime along the way, I had programmed myself into believing that I wasn't worth much.  I walked around with a wall around me, pretending everything was fine, and complaining, among many other distractions, was just another way to keep myself from facing my own truths.  I judged others as harshly I judged myself.  But I was also lifted by so many people who crossed my path.

People like my friend Brigid constantly help me see my own brilliance.  We help each other. I have quite a few friends like this, friends I no longer sit and complain with, but with which great synergy resides.  I have found that the people with in the yoga communities I frequent elevate each other.  I  have found that through self-love I am a better friend.  I listen, support and try to elevate the energy around me just by allowing myself to be who I really am. Loving. Supportive. Elevating.

 

[caption id="attachment_229" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Brigid & Me"][/caption]