Choosing A Practitioner

Who's Going To Help Me Heal?

 

Over the years I have seen a variety of therapists and holistic practitioners, all in an attempt to help me heal from PTSD.  Different stages of my healing process required and still does require different practitioners.  Some people may be lucky enough to have one practitioner through their entire healing process.  Some may prefer just one.  I find it useful to work with different people based on their professional as well as their life experience.  However, it is not always easy to discern the level of empathy, compassion or integrity of some practitioners until there has been a face to face meeting and sometimes  it takes more than one.

 

How Do You Feel When You Are With Your Practitioner?

 

Recently, I visited with a practitioner who seemed to have quite a bit of business flowing his way.  He worked in a beautiful location surrounded by absolute serenity.  I was a little apprehensive because every time I stood in the same room with this man, I felt a little tightness in my chest.  I did not know why.  He seemed nice and very knowledgeable, so I chose to ignore my feelings.  I made an appointment with him anyway and was looking very forward to relaxing and allowing him to work his magic hands on me.  

I filled out a standard form regarding medications and general information this type of practitioner would be looking for, going against my instinct which told me not to expose myself, not this time.   One thing I noticed right off the bat were some pretty hefty promises about how I would feel later that evening.  But there I was, and the session began.  Beautiful music.  Beautiful surroundings.  Not a word.  Ahhh...relax, I told myself.  You're all in a tizzy about nothing, right?   I wish.

 

When A Practitioner Goes Outside Their Field Of Expertise

 

After the session, he wanted to speak with me about what he noticed.  When he started speaking, I finally got what my instinct was trying to tell me.  Judgement.  That's what I was feeling.  I felt like I was being judged.  And the more he talked, the tighter my chest grew.  He was talking to me as if he knew my life's story, delving into very personal space, space I was not ready to share with him, space and history which he knew absolutely nothing about.  It went on and on.  More judgement about my life and how I should feel and what I should do, how I should speak when referring to my own life experiences.  By the time I left, I felt so unempowered and so small.  And there he was, thinking he did me this huge favor.  He cured me! His ego was so big, he didn't even realize how what he said and how he said it might have affected me. 

And this is the problem I have noticed from time to time with practitioners.  They step outside of their expertise into areas they know nothing about.  As a result, the client walks away wondering what just happened.  Sometimes people who work in the healing arena have not cleaned up their own stuff.  They've helped a few people.  They might have a little following and bam!  They've got a deity complex.  Never having completed the inner work in their own lives, they set out to heal others, but the ego has grown too big and gets in the way of the true talent that awaits them.

 

What To Look For In A Practitioner

 

1.  Got instincts?  Listen to'em.  If you are feeling like you may not be a match, keep looking.  There is someone out there just for you.

2.  Check with other practitioners in the area.  Most practitioners will not bad mouth other practitioners, but you can get a sense of what type of person you are about to see.  If the practitioner you are about to see is well  respected in his/her field, most of his/her colleagues will gladly recommend this person.  It is useful to check with several other people in a similar field.

3.  Check with past clients, if you happen to know any.  Poke around.  Ask questions.  You will get a good idea whether the practitioner might be a good fit for you. 

4.  When you finally do see someone, check in with how you feel.  Do you feel empowered?  If not, keep looking.  They may have a great deal of talent, but may not be  right for you. 

5.  You'll know when you've hit the jackpot.  That little voice tells you, "This practitioner is working from his/her highest good."  You'll know it because you'll feel it.  Never minimize your feelings.  Your heart always tells you the truth.

 

If you have any useful tips on finding a good practitioner, please feel free to share below.

 

 

Healing: Making Peace With Loved Ones Past

Remembering Our Loved Ones

 

A couple of weeks ago, my sister would have been 52.  She died July 2, 1997 of an amniotic embolism.  She was 8 months pregnant with her third child when she went to the bathroom, stood up, and cried "Somethings wrong! Call 911" , dropped to the floor and tried to crawl to the phone, but could not survive the attack.  Her baby daughter never opened her eyes and died several days later.  Naturally, it was a very devastating time for me and for my family.

 

When Rape is What You Share in Common

 

For the most part, my sister and I were very close.  Although we lived very different lives, we shared something in common.  We were both raped when we were teenagers and we both held onto a lot of anger.  We constantly operated from a fear based state. Of course, we did not know that at the time.  Being in fight or flight all the time just felt normal to us.  Beating ourselves up for every little thing just felt normal.  We  judged harshly.  We judged each other.  We judged everything and everyone.  You can only imagine how exhausted we were.  We looked for ways to ease the pain, not fully understanding, the answer to living peacefully wasn't even a stones throw away.  All we really had to do was look in the mirror and let the walls fall.  Such a process, of course, is easier said than done.

 

Sometimes Anger Leads to Insight

 

My sister and had a falling out about twelve months before she died.  It wasn't a blow up and there was no yelling.  I felt I had to be honest with her about something, and while I felt peaceful about our conversation, it ended our closeness.  We were never close again.  Cordial, but not close.  In hindsight, I realize this was about the time we both began our spiritual journey, separate, but together.  We loved each other deeply and there was no doubt we both wanted to heal.  So we just let each other be.

 

Letting Go

 

We both began reading a lot of spiritual literature. We both went inward.  She was never close to my oldest sister, not as long as I can remember, not ever.  We all found ourselves walking on eggshells, careful not to light any fires.  The night she transitioned, an action that appeared to be out of the blue, she took a drive over to my oldest sister's home and tried to make amends for a lifetime of animosity suggesting to my oldest sister that they begin again, new and fresh.  She also hugged my middle sister and my parents and told everyone that she loved and appreciated them.  She went home and died several hours later.

 

Meditation Allows Us A Peaceful Connection

 

I was not there as I lived three thousand miles away, so it was very difficult, but I knew we were ok and that she loved me and she knew with no uncertainty that I loved her.  For many years and to this day, I sometimes feel her presence, her love and support.  As I sit quietly, shut my eyes and breathe, I can clearly see her laughing joyfully.  I know she has let go. I know, in the pit of my soul, she is happy and free. I can feel her gently nudging me sometimes, to go deeper, to travel inward.  Sometimes, I am nervous about letting go, about letting the walls fall, but I know that when I take the time to sit quietly, I am also happy.  I am also free.

 

[caption id="attachment_307" align="aligncenter" width="96" caption="Happy Birthday Patty! We Miss You."][/caption]

 

Food and Mood

Does Food Affect Our Mood?

 

Last weekend, my husband and I rented the documentary, "Food, Inc.".  We sat and watched, not really knowing what to expect.  Well, I can tell you, from beginning to end, we were glued to the movie.  It was really eye-opening.  The movie provoked an honest conversation between my husband and me about what we feed ourselves on a daily basis and how what we eat affects us physically and emotionally.  Below is the trailer for Food, Inc.

 

Food Inc - A Compelling Documentary About How Our Food Has Changed Over the Last 50 Years

 

Post trauma I suffered a major eating disorder, addictions, and a plethora of mood swings, not really understanding how what I was putting into my body affected my physical and mental health.  I knew I felt depressed, exhausted and hopeless for many years.  I worked out on a daily basis trying to sweat out whatever impurities, both physically and emotionally I felt I was carrying.  I did this for years and while, by most people's standards, I stayed thin and looked healthy, I continued to feel as if I would never feel alive and energetic again.  I felt depleted all the time.  As the terrible cycle repeated itself with each diet, I turned to food and alcohol to comfort myself only to end up in turmoil again and again.

  

Years before I began practicing yoga regularly, I read a lot of nutritional books, most of which, in so many words, referenced various types of food as either an enemy or a friend, sometimes both.  I found these books extremely useful.  At the time though, I didn't know anything about stores like Earth Fare, Trader Joes and Whole Foods.  I worked with what was available to me at the time.  I followed the advice of books such as the Atkins Diet, The Zone, The Sugar Buster and a host of other books capitalizing on the weight loss industry. 

Yoga Helps Raise Awareness About What We Put Into Our Bodies

  

It wasn't until I started practicing yoga that I got the, "diets don't work", message.  It became more clear as I read books like:

"The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross

"Skinny Bitch" by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

"Perfect Health", and "Grow Younger, Live Longer" by Deepak Chopra

Just to name a few. 

 

Keeping a Food and Excercise Journal Is Easy and Effective

 

It was then, through steady practice of yoga and meditation, that my awareness began to rise, that I began to fully understand that what I was eating was not just affecting my weight, but was absolutely affecting my emotions, my moods and how well my body was functioning.  Every day I began journaling what I was eating, what time I was eating, and how much I was eating.  If I noticed a mood change or a change in my energy level, I wrote that down as well.  The type of excercise I did on any given day?  Well, that went into the journal as well. I did that for approximately four months.  WOW!  What a difference.  Here's what I noticed:

1.  The more I ate, the worse I felt.  More than that, as I began writing everything down, I realized how much I was actually eating.  I was eating a lot more than I thought.  I felt slow, depressed and lethargic regardless of the amount of exercise I was doing each day.

2.  The less wine I drank and the more water I drank, the better I felt.  Duh, right?  Depression moved out.

3.  The less diet soda (labeled as "Liquid Satan" in the Skinny Bitch Book), the less bloated I felt and the more energy I experienced.  A more calm energy.

4.  Cutting down on chocolate and wine helped stabilize my blood sugar and my moods.  I still love chocolate and wine, but if I choose to indulge, I choose organic chocolate and organic wine.  Even then, one glass is enough.

5.  Cutting down on white bread and other items that we find in the middle isles of the grocery store has also helped stabilized my blood sugar. 

6.  Eating less cheese cut down on gas and bloating and left me feeling less lethargic.

7.  Eating 4 or 5 times per day helps me stay satisfied.  When my blood sugar is stable, I don't want to binge.  I am more even.  I am happy.  I do not feel hungry.

8.  Exercising helps me feel more alive.  I find that I prefer not to go to a gym anymore.  I practice yoga, walking in beautiful areas surrounded by nature, or I pop in a Netflix movie at home and sweat on my elliptical trainer.  I also swim when it is available to me. 

9.  Meditation, for me, is the key to staying even on the emotional scale.  When I feel even, I do not binge.  I do not eat or drink emotionally.  I am happy.  It all comes down to quieting the mind.  Do I still struggle?  Yes, but not as much.  It gets easier. 

I love all types of excercise, so don't think I am telling you what to do, what to eat, or how to excercise.  I am not a vegan or a vegetarian but I can tell you I eat significantly less meat than I used to and feel much better for it. I am sharing this article because as I started write everything down, it all became real, how food affects my mood.  It's easy to read about it.  But when you actually start recording on paper what is happening in your own body, the effects are so much easier to discern. It's so easy to forget what we ate yesterday or how depressed or hung over we were a week ago.  Logging keeps everything real.  It is simple, effective and takes no time at all.  You might make some emotional connections between food and mood that could dramatically change the quality of your life.

Additionally, keeping myself updated on what is going on in our food industry and continually educating myself on food and nutrition really helps raise my awareness on many different levels.  If you have read any great books on how food affects our mood, please feel free to reply to this blog.  Sharing information helps everyone gain a healthier perspective.  It is all part of the healing process.

 

[caption id="attachment_296" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Bon Appetit!"][/caption]

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emotional Healing: Gifts From My Child

The Love of My Child

    

  

[caption id="attachment_260" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="Liam at the ripe earthly age of 7"][/caption]

 

We celebrated my son's 7th birthday this weekend.  The day before his birthday, I picked him up from school and on the way home we had this conversation:      

          

Me: Did you have a wonderful day today?          

My Son: Yes.  We celebrated my birthday in class and had cupcakes.         

Me:  That sounds like fun.          

My Son:  Hey mom, when we're in the spirit world together, did you know we will always stay young and we don't have booboo's, and there's no blood and we just get to be together and be happy?          

Me:  Wow, that's wonderful.          

My Son:  You and me and dad will be together forever.          

Me:  I'm so glad you picked me as your mommy.  I love having you as my son.          

My Son:  Me too.  And dad too.  We will be a family for lifetimes mom, over and over and over again because I love you so much.  I will be born over and over and I will get to be with you and dad.          

Me:  I'm so glad.  You know why?  Because you are the most wonderful boy ever, ever, ever and I love you so much.  You're so fabulous.  I hope you are born to me over and over.          

My Son:  I'm so glad you said that mom.  I was hoping you would say that.   

 

And I thought to myself : "He knows we have been together before, in another lifetime."              

    

Children Understand Living Yoga

        

                 

My child never ceases to amaze me.  So loving and so kind.  His father and I show him lot's of affection every day.  We cuddle, we play, we talk.  We talk a lot.  I introduced Liam to yoga a couple of years ago.  He loves it.  Yoga inspires him and encourages him to be creative, connected, loving, respectful and compassionate toward others, toward animals, toward life.  He has reverence for life.  I watch him intently to learn from him, Satya, truth.  In fact, I absorb everything he has to teach me about the yamas and niyamas.     

         

One day, we were planting flowers.  We planted a miniature Magnolia.  After we were done padding down the soil, he hugged the tree.  I said, "That's so nice Liam."  His reply, "I know they need water, but they need love too mom, to help them grow", and then proceeded to go around and touch everything we just planted to show that he cared.           

           

I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but he is a great kid.  He still wants to get dirty, play baseball and fantasize about being some army soldier who saves people from exploding bombs, or being a fireman who saves people from burning buildings. There is a balance.  He practices, quite naturally, the art of balance.  He doesn't have to think about it. 

  

 

Children Understand the Power of Forgiveness 

   

        

If one of his friends hurts his feelings, we talk about it, and no grudge is held for long.  He forgives and moves on.  Again, I watch and learn.       

        

When I asked him what he wanted to eat for his birthday dinner, he said, "I don't want to eat a lot of junk food mom, except cake.  I like healthy food.  It just feels better to me."       

        

        

What's not to love?  What's not to learn?  It seems every day I gain a healthier perspective and my heart just grows bigger and bigger.    

   

[caption id="attachment_268" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Showing me how to be "Flexible""][/caption]

        

         

         

         

          

          

 

 

        

Healing and Cleaning Up Relationships

 

I attended a wonderful yoga therapy workshop recently with Doug Keller, a yoga therapy expert.  There were twenty-plus students in the room on the first day and it was warm and almost musty as we began working through the first series of poses.  Normally I would be so focused on what foot to bring forward,  what arm to raise or the fact that I actually need to breathe, but there was something else in the room that caught my eye. 

I noticed a face across the room that vaguely resembled that of someone I used to know, someone I was very close with a long time ago.  As we grew apart our painful relationship ended.  I quickly dismissed the idea that it could be her, as sometimes this world just seems so big.  I went back to focusing on my breath, one asana, two, and  there she was again, perhaps a slightly heavier version of her.    I am always second guessing what my eyes see since at the ripe age of 40, I suddenly needed glasses to read a menu or a sign on the road.  But my mind started to wonder, what if it is her?

 

Reacting to Old Pain

 

Several years ago, I wouldn't  have stood in the same parking lot with an old friendship gone sour, let alone sit in a seminar face to face as the hours, no doubt, pass with increasing anxiety.  But the thought of her being there did not send off the usual alarm in my solar plexus.  I did not feel scared or nervous at the possibility of her presence.  Instead, as I looked at this old stranger, I felt compassion and asked that the universe send her love from across the room.  I felt no discomfort whatsoever.  I just kept sending her love.  I thought to myself, "Self, whatever the universe is bringing to your attention, embrace it.  Let it be. There is something of value here."

After class, the woman disappeared so quickly, I was unable to approach her.  The next day, she did not return.  I asked to see the class roster and there was no one by her name in class the evening before.  I learned something about myself that day.  One, my eyes sometimes deceive me.  Two, my heart does not.  My heart tells me the truth every time.  My heart was broken a long time ago, but it is on the mend now, so feeling the need to defend my position in life or who I am no longer has a choke hold on me.  I was prepared to just let things be.  If it was her, I did not want her to have to defend who she was or is now.  I was prepared to accept her just the way she was, having a complete understanding that everyone is in a different place and needs to experience, without my opinions, whatever it is they need to experience.  I was, so they say, unattached to my own ego and the outcome.  While I have not come to perfect this craft, it was wonderful to experience this weekend.

 

Practicing Yoga and Meditation Helps Release Old Pain

 

Although sometimes it can be extremely useful to speak to old friends or family members whom we have hurt or who have hurt us, it is not necessary in order to clean up the relationship and release painful feelings.  It does, however, require honesty with ourselves and honesty with the universe, with God.  Sometimes, if it is too uncomfortable to speak with someone directly or the circumstance to communicate face to face do not present itself, we can ask the universe to lift the burden of pain, to release us from thoughts and feelings that bind us to our past, the thoughts that no longer serve us.

Practicing yoga and meditation helps us to become more clear about our lives, our pain, and provides us a space with which to forgive ourselves, forgive others, and release old pain.  In turn, we make room for a new path, a path of compassion, love, a good feeling place in our hearts that is no longer bound by the pain of our past.  We are able to clean up our relationships with ourselves and with others.  And we are free to love again.  We are free.

 

 

Emotional Upsets - Food to Fill The Void

 

    

Emotional Upsets - Food to Fill the Void

    

Has anyone ever said to you, "Wow, you look like you've lost weight", when you know you haven't, and in fact, weigh the same amount as you always have, give or take a few?  Maybe you've even inhaled some undesirable food and you feel like you're packing it on. Your response might be a simple thank you, or, if your anything like me, you immediately pose these questions to yourself, "Why would he/she say that?  Was I fat before?   Do I look like I need to lose weight?"  Someone is just trying to give you a compliment and you castastrophize it with self-doubt. The truth is, I have struggled with my weight for years fluctuating five or ten, even fifteen pounds depending on my emotional state that week or month.  I know that may not seem like much to some people, but it is something to me.  Of course it is not the weight.  The weight is a symptom.  Like author Janet Greeson says, "It's not what your eating, it's what's eating you."   

    

When We Don't Feel We Belong

    

What I have found through years of peeling my own emotional onion is that it is not the weight, the few pounds I gain here or there or the tipping of the scale that gives me the upset.  It is a question that I have asked myself when I am willing to look beyond the cellulite in the mirror, "Do I feel I have a right to be here?"  And what do you think the answer was?  From a logical perspective, my all-knowing, never wrong, brain speaking, the answer was and always is, "Yes!  Of course I have a right to be here!  What a ridiculous question."  But when my heart spoke, the very first time I asked myself that question, facing myself in the mirror I might add, the answer was a resounding, "NO!"  I broke down.  "So that's the real issue Donna, you feel like you're taking up space.  You're too big, too bulky, too fat and you just don't belong."  That "NO" began in my late teens, and since then I have grown tremendously, but the question remains the same and here's what I have found:   

    

It's Never About the Food

    

    

When we don't feel comfortable with who we are, we may not feel a sense of belonging, so we look outside of ourselves for something that will make us feel better, perhaps not realizing that it is what is inside us that gives us our security, our sense of self-worth.  So, for some people, this may be shopping.  For others it may be drinks after work or even drinking heavily, or keeping a very busy schedule, too busy in fact, to sit down and be quiet with nothing else but our own physical presence.  For others food provides comfort.  Looking outside seems so much easier and more fun until you go broke, get too big for your britches, literally, or fall down drunk.  Like so many people searching, I have experienced all of the above and more.  You are not alone.   

    

Yoga and Meditation Tame The Emotional Rollercoaster

    

Through yoga and meditation, I have learned to tame the emotional rollercoaster.  Now mind you, I have not perfected this craft, but I can tell you, I don't binge anymore and even when I eat a little too much, I go easy on myself.  I am much more conscious about what I put into my mouth.  No I don't work out like crazy at the gym.  Could I use more exercise?  Yes.  So I walk.  I walk in nature, on the beach.  I practice yoga.  My body is not perfect anymore and I am not trying to make it so.  I just want to be healthy and happy.  A daily dose of yoga and meditation can do wonders.  When practiced consistently, awareness and self-love become more palpable, more sustainable and the need for all those outside distractions begin to fall to the wayside.  I'm not saying this happens overnight.  But it is definitely doable.   

 

    

 

[caption id="attachment_240" align="aligncenter" width="130" caption="A Nice Stroll on the Sidewalk...ahh, feels good"][/caption]

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

 

Healing: Yoga, Meditation & Friendship

How Yoga and Meditation Helped My Friendships

 

My friend Brigid came to town this week to spend a little one on one time with me and to take a mommy break.  She's one of those people who can just go, go, go all day long.  She always looks at life from the bright side.  She is a chatterer, a booster, a lift me up kind of gal, the kind of person you would call when you get into a tizzy or you feel depressed, because you know she will, with no seemingly great effort, lift you right up and have you believing you are the best thing since sliced bread in no time at all.  And not in a fake sort of way.  She really does believe you are the best in the world.

 

Becoming a Better Friend Requires Self-Love

 

Before I began studying and practicing yoga and meditation, I really struggled with depression, something people with difficult pasts often do.  I really had a hard time seeing the bright side of anything, and thus, hung around with anyone who would listen to me complain about life.  And they complained with me.  We were all just one big unhappy complaining party.  It is one thing to feel depressed and quite another to know that you are milking the depression cow for everything it's worth.

Practicing yoga and meditation required me to take an honest look at myself, which, of course, knowing I was milking the cow, I was ready to do.  In the  process of slowing down and becoming still, you have no one to be with but yourself. I can tell you, as a person, who for many years, had no self-worth, this was no easy task.  Meditate???  For years, I didn't want to feel anything.  I didn't think I was capable of sitting down quietly without getting a headache from all the junk that lived rent free in my head. I couldn't imagine being alone with myself, not that I minded being physically alone, as long as I had something to do.  Actually, I preferred being alone, as I thought no one would really want to be around me.

Here's the thing:  I WAS WRONG!

 

SLOWING DOWN AND BECOMING STILL IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO SEE MYSELF FOR WHO I TRULY AM: WONDERFUL

 

Practicing yoga and meditation has, quite literally, relieved me of antidepressants, and has helped me realize my self-worth.  I'm not this ugly person I thought I was.  Sometime along the way, I had programmed myself into believing that I wasn't worth much.  I walked around with a wall around me, pretending everything was fine, and complaining, among many other distractions, was just another way to keep myself from facing my own truths.  I judged others as harshly I judged myself.  But I was also lifted by so many people who crossed my path.

People like my friend Brigid constantly help me see my own brilliance.  We help each other. I have quite a few friends like this, friends I no longer sit and complain with, but with which great synergy resides.  I have found that the people with in the yoga communities I frequent elevate each other.  I  have found that through self-love I am a better friend.  I listen, support and try to elevate the energy around me just by allowing myself to be who I really am. Loving. Supportive. Elevating.

 

[caption id="attachment_229" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Brigid & Me"][/caption]

Partner Yoga - A Great Way to Begin Trusting

[caption id="attachment_49" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Maggie and Me Supporting Each Other"][/caption]

 

 

Partner Yoga - A Great Way

to Begin Trusting

To the right is my friend Maggie.  I'm the one wearing the yellow shirt.  We took a partner yoga class together at The Yoga Loft in Summerville, SC, one of the most wonderful, intimate studios in the Charleston area,where I just so happen to teach.  There is nothing quite like partner yoga.  It is fun.  It can make you laugh like crazy.  It can be a little intimidating and scary.  And it can make you cry.  It requires complete trust and vulnerability.  It requires trusting someone you may or may not know.  Sometimes it can feel very intimate. 

One thing is for sure. It is amazing.  If you allow, love will pour out of you and you feel a beautiful sense of empowerment through completely supporting your partner and encouraging her to trust you to hold her up, to be there for her if she feels a sense of imbalance, to catch her if she falls.

And the same goes for you when it is your turn to be held up, to trust, to allow someone to catch you if you start to fall.  As it is in in life, right?  There is someone for us, for each and every one of us.  They are just waiting to love us, if we will only let them. There is empowerment and liberation in engaging with another individual in this way.  And when we come from a place of love and empowerment...ahh life is so much easier. 

I realize this is easier said than done, trusting and allowing yourself to be vulnerable that is, which is exactly why I chose to write about the partner yoga experience.  My first experience with partner yoga was in teacher training at Holy Cow Yoga in Charleston.  I had been looking forward to a partner yoga class for quite some time, but when it came right down to it, I got really nervous.   I thought, who is my partner going to be?  What if I screw up?  What if I am too heavy for her?  What if she doesn't like me?  What if there's no connection?  I had a lot of "what ifs".

Various Emotions During Partner Yoga

It felt kind of odd at first sitting in Sukasana, easy pose, back to back with someone I really didn't know very well.  I felt vulnerable right away and giddy at the same time.  I thought my partner would notice that I wasn't as flexible as she was and that it may not be fun for her to be with someone like me.  I made judgements about myself that weren't very kind.  As we were guided through our partner yoga  poses I found myself flooded with many different emotions such as:

Insecurity            Happiness            Love            Fear            Nervousness            Anxiety

I remember not wanting to make eye contact, but my partner was lovely and seemed secure and confident.  I quickly learned that she was very comfortable just loving me, assiting me with her calmness, laughter and easy going style.  We both laughed so much and really enjoyed attemping the poses.  And the more I laughed and the more poses we we were guided through, the more I lightened up.  The more I lightened up, the more exhilerated I became and then a sense of trust followed and it was actually the most fun I've had in a very long time.  I just let go.  I was doing things I hadn't even attempted since my gymnastic days many years ago.  I don't know how well I did them, but it was a blast trying.  You know why?  I had support.  Love and support filled the room.

In Partner Yoga - Vulnerability Becomes Exhileration

I couldn't wait to take another class.  So when The Yoga Loft offered a workshop in the fall, I jumped on it!  Maggie was my partner.  I know Maggie loves me and we had a wonderful,  fun experience.  I think our experience at Holy Cow really assisted Maggie and I help the other students lighten up, trust and let go.  There should be a partner class coming up somewhere soon as Valentines day approaches.  I would encourage anyone reading this to take a leap and engage in this wonderful activity.  It is a safe environment to begin trusting again and oh so much fun!

  



Axiom of Partner Yoga

 - All things are interdependent

 - Touch and Intimacy are basic human needs

 - Fear and Pain are two of life's greatest teachers

 - Exercise and rest are essential for vibrant health

 - Laughter and play are life's fountains of youth

 - Partnership is based on trust and communication

 - Breath is life

Taken from: Partner Yoga; Making Contact for Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Growth by Cain Carroll and Lori Kimata

When Rage Rears Its Ugly Head

I sit here in the Marriott in Cold Spring, NY waiting for my husband to come and pick me up for one final evening with the family before heading back home to South Carolina.  I have tried to rest today, eyes shut, envisioning Archangel Raphael's green loving light engulfing my body.  It has been a difficult week.  Sometimes being in close proximity to family for more than a few days at a time can be stressful.

This week, I saw myself, yet again, facing a difficult situation with my mother-in-law.  Through her frustration with her own life, I was reminded of my own rage, my own blow ups, my own blame, the blame I have so eagerly placed on others for my own unhappiness.  Oh, the rage is still there, yes indeed.  Years and years and years of holding onto to feelings that don't serve us will come out time and again manifesting  in physical and emotional pain.  I say that as I sit here, shoulder throbbing for no apparent reason whatsoever, at least not to the logical eye. 

But this time was, at least, a little different.  Instead of continuing the screaming battle, normally followed by an abrupt exit, I remembered how my husband forgave me for my blow ups and how he held me as I sobbed in frustration at my own inability to love myself.  In that moment, thinking of him, my mother-in-law started to sob.  I could not walk away.  I hugged her and held her and told her I loved her.  I told her we just want her to be happy.  We want happiness for her.  And then we sat and talked for a few moments, at least, until we were interrupted by icy snowy wet pants freezing the buns off of my six-year-old.

I shared with her the many years of experience and familiarity, the relationship I had with rage, starting with rape.  I had never shared any of this personal information with her before.  I told her, how for many years, I was accustomed to coming into a conversation with anyone, dukes up, ready to do battle, my unique talent of manipulating men or anyone for that matter.  I said to her, "I don't want to live that way anymore.  That's not who I am."  And this rage, is not who she is.  It does not define who we are, any of us. It is a red flashing light that says, if it could talk of course, "STOP.  Love Yourself."

Even though this episode ended in hugs and forgiveness, I still find myself wanting to meditate, to love and release myself from internalizing someone elses rage, something of a common occurence not so long ago.  This comes with practice.  Lots and lots of practice.

May we all go into the New Year meditating a little more on loving, showing compassion, kindness and forgiveness toward others and toward ourselves.  May we first seek joy, in all things. May we enjoy a more peaceful, healthy and prosperous life in 2010.  Happy New Year!

Trying To Be Perfect

Yoga From The Inside Out 

 

 My yoga teacher recently gave me a wonderful book to read called, "Yoga from the Inside Out”, by Christina Bell.  I would recommend this book to anyone interested in yoga, but particularly to those who have been abused.  Christina’s story really resonated with me although our abuse came in different forms.  Her desire to be perfect led her to problems such as eating disorders and fluctuating weight.

 

How many of us out there try to be perfect and why?  If you remember in my first blog I mentioned powering through yoga poses, pleasing people to the point of losing my integrity.  And what for? I would like to share with you the following passage from Christina’s book, page 107. 

 

One day Christina called the senior practitioner from her yoga community after months of feeling stressed from running her own coffee shop, beating herself up about being a terrible boss, being rude to her customers and what a spiritual loser she felt she was.  When the practitioner was able to speak, she said, “You know, we often forget that spiritual work is not about getting perfect—this work is about being surrendered.”

Trying To Be Perfect

 

Shocked at the reply, Christina goes on to say, “I began to reflect on how through all my years of therapy, therapy training, and yoga practice I was striving to be perfect so that I would be more loveable.  I imagined that if I did enough work on myself, I would no longer have neurotic manifestations or offensive personality traits.” That practitioner went on to say that such idealization wasn’t the point.  Surrender was the point. 

Reading this passage of the book, I was reminded of how often I felt that people could see right through me, viewing all of my imperfections and that if I was just smarter, prettier, more polished, more successful, I would finally be loved, not realizing what was staring me straight in the face.  I first had to love myself. 

 

It is not always as cut and dry as, “Oh yeah, I forgot, let me just love myself.”  If you have been beating yourself up for years, loving yourself may be easier said than done.  Abraham-Hicks, the authors of, “Law of Attraction”, repeatedly suggest to us that we go out to the water, get into the boat, and instead of allowing the boat to take us downstream, we immediately paddle upstream.  And…we insist on doing it that way!  That’s a hard way to live.

Letting Go Of Resistance

 

One of the ways I began to love myself was to recognize how resistant I was to life.  I never went with the flow.  I was determined to fight my way through everything.  For years I felt exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.  Sometimes I still do.  But at least now I am aware.  And when I get all wound up over something, I gently, and I mean gently, remind myself to let go.

 

That’s where yoga comes in.  When I am taking a class and I feel like I should be able to bend forward more, hold the plank position longer, or lay flat like a pancake in Janu sirsasana, head to knee pose, I sometimes silently scold myself for not being able to hold the position perfectly or the way I feel my body should respond.  Then I slow down take a deep breath and remind myself that wherever I am is the position that is perfect for me.  I tell myself to relax and breathe.  Am I resisting? Just breathe Donna.  Stop resisting. 

 

My teacher always says, “You’re not going to get any brownie points trying to be like Gumby.”  What does that mean?  Just love yourself the way you are, right now, today.  Be gentle with yourself by releasing any self criticism, even if it is for a few moments in the day or the hour that you practice yoga, allowing your body to just go with the flow.  It feels so much better.