Keeping The Faith

Keeping The Faith In Hard Economic Times

   

I am no stranger to hard economic times.  I remember my parents having $ 5.00 to spare after paying the bills each month. I went to school and worked hard for my bachelor's and master's in hopes I would never be out of a job.  I have had corporate jobs that paid well and no job living in constant fear coupled by physical safety issues resulting from PTSD.  Sometimes I felt like I would just go bananas!  

As I look around today, I meet so many people who also went to school to protect themselves from exactly what is going on right now.  With so many people out of work, walking away from mortgages, unable to meet their basic needs, it is no wonder there is so much fear floating around.  

   

Meditation Helps Calm The Fear

   

I wish we could have our life's path lit all the way down the road, but it just doesn't work that way.  I know we're supposed to enjoy the ride, but sometimes it's easier said than done.  No one said the journey was going to be easy.  But there is something we can do, that doesn't cost a dime, just 5-30 minutes a day that will make the goodness in our lives so much more palpable.  And that, my friends, is meditation.  

If you're not used to meditating, start out slow.  Sometimes it is very difficult to sit for 5 minutes, let alone 30 when your mind is going 100 miles per hour in a million different directions.  When I am working with new students, I have found 2 methods that help newbies quiet their minds.  

    

2 Methods To Help You Start Meditating

 

First find a quiet spot.  It doesn't matter where it is.  You can sit in your cubicle at work, on a chair somewhere, the floor, pillow or no pillow, whatever works for you.  Be comfortable, but be at attention.  This is not sleepy time.  Begin to breath from your belly, like a fat happy baby.  You know how they breathe, right?  When a baby inhales, their bellies get really round and big.  On their exhale, their bellies fall gently.  That's how you breathe.  Now, 2 methods to help you get started:  

1.  Count.   

Now, close your eyes.  Soften your jaw and the muscles in your face.  If your mind wants to go out into a million different directions, count.  Count 4 in and 4 out.  When you get that going, slow down the breath and count 4 in and 8 out and so on.  Feel it out and stick with what works.  It may be you feel more in sync with 6 on the inhale and 10 or 12 on the exhale.  The point is that counting helps focus the mind.  The same thing works with listening to the sound of your own breath and feeling the cool air flowing through your nostrils.  Try both, see what happens.  

2. Chants. Prayer. Music.   

 There is a particular prayer that helps me relax and focus very quickly.  It is a prayer/chant by Craig Pruess and Ananda, "Devi Prayer", 108 beautiful names for the Divine.  You can get in on iTunes.  It is beautiful and transformative.  In fact, I use it quite often whenever I teach restorative classes.  It feels healing and loving and just resonates with the soul.  I  find that most people who hear the prayers, male and female, are moved by its beauty.  Give it a try.  You won't be disappointed.  

[caption id="attachment_380" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Try it! It works."][/caption]

   

   

 

Choosing A Practitioner

Who's Going To Help Me Heal?

 

Over the years I have seen a variety of therapists and holistic practitioners, all in an attempt to help me heal from PTSD.  Different stages of my healing process required and still does require different practitioners.  Some people may be lucky enough to have one practitioner through their entire healing process.  Some may prefer just one.  I find it useful to work with different people based on their professional as well as their life experience.  However, it is not always easy to discern the level of empathy, compassion or integrity of some practitioners until there has been a face to face meeting and sometimes  it takes more than one.

 

How Do You Feel When You Are With Your Practitioner?

 

Recently, I visited with a practitioner who seemed to have quite a bit of business flowing his way.  He worked in a beautiful location surrounded by absolute serenity.  I was a little apprehensive because every time I stood in the same room with this man, I felt a little tightness in my chest.  I did not know why.  He seemed nice and very knowledgeable, so I chose to ignore my feelings.  I made an appointment with him anyway and was looking very forward to relaxing and allowing him to work his magic hands on me.  

I filled out a standard form regarding medications and general information this type of practitioner would be looking for, going against my instinct which told me not to expose myself, not this time.   One thing I noticed right off the bat were some pretty hefty promises about how I would feel later that evening.  But there I was, and the session began.  Beautiful music.  Beautiful surroundings.  Not a word.  Ahhh...relax, I told myself.  You're all in a tizzy about nothing, right?   I wish.

 

When A Practitioner Goes Outside Their Field Of Expertise

 

After the session, he wanted to speak with me about what he noticed.  When he started speaking, I finally got what my instinct was trying to tell me.  Judgement.  That's what I was feeling.  I felt like I was being judged.  And the more he talked, the tighter my chest grew.  He was talking to me as if he knew my life's story, delving into very personal space, space I was not ready to share with him, space and history which he knew absolutely nothing about.  It went on and on.  More judgement about my life and how I should feel and what I should do, how I should speak when referring to my own life experiences.  By the time I left, I felt so unempowered and so small.  And there he was, thinking he did me this huge favor.  He cured me! His ego was so big, he didn't even realize how what he said and how he said it might have affected me. 

And this is the problem I have noticed from time to time with practitioners.  They step outside of their expertise into areas they know nothing about.  As a result, the client walks away wondering what just happened.  Sometimes people who work in the healing arena have not cleaned up their own stuff.  They've helped a few people.  They might have a little following and bam!  They've got a deity complex.  Never having completed the inner work in their own lives, they set out to heal others, but the ego has grown too big and gets in the way of the true talent that awaits them.

 

What To Look For In A Practitioner

 

1.  Got instincts?  Listen to'em.  If you are feeling like you may not be a match, keep looking.  There is someone out there just for you.

2.  Check with other practitioners in the area.  Most practitioners will not bad mouth other practitioners, but you can get a sense of what type of person you are about to see.  If the practitioner you are about to see is well  respected in his/her field, most of his/her colleagues will gladly recommend this person.  It is useful to check with several other people in a similar field.

3.  Check with past clients, if you happen to know any.  Poke around.  Ask questions.  You will get a good idea whether the practitioner might be a good fit for you. 

4.  When you finally do see someone, check in with how you feel.  Do you feel empowered?  If not, keep looking.  They may have a great deal of talent, but may not be  right for you. 

5.  You'll know when you've hit the jackpot.  That little voice tells you, "This practitioner is working from his/her highest good."  You'll know it because you'll feel it.  Never minimize your feelings.  Your heart always tells you the truth.

 

If you have any useful tips on finding a good practitioner, please feel free to share below.

 

 

Yoga Travels

Take Your Yoga Mat With You

 

I recently travelled to Germany and Italy.  My suitcase weighed next to nothing so I was able to pack everything under the sun...and my yoga mat, which fit quite nicely folded on top of my clothes.  If you don't want to pack the mat in your suitcase, there are plenty of yoga mat bags and carrying straps that would allow you keep your mat with you at all times.  I, however, did not want to carry mine with me.  Some would argue that you could buy a mat when you arrive at your destination, but with the dollar not being so strong right now, it wasn't really an option for me.  So I packed a very inexpensive lightweight mat and off I went.

 

Childs Pose Helps Soothe The Back As Well As The Emotions

 

And boy was I glad I did.  Travelling overnight on the plane and packed in like a sardine, I found myself feeling exhausted and emotional as I do not sleep well on planes, particularly if I am sitting up in a chair.  A few hours after we arrived, I was really feeling tight in the hips.  We went straight to visiting family so there was no time to rest.  I opened my bag, broke out the yoga mat and immediately began to stretch right there in front of everyone. I began in childs pose to relieve  my back from sitting for nine hours, breathing nice deep breathes to release the tension from the plane and lack of sleep.  A little Surya Namaskar, warmup, some upward side stretches to open the hips, utthita parsvakonasana, some back bends, and then right to headstand. 

 

Headstand To Calm Down

 

Ahh...the glorious headstand.  Calms me down.  Helps me center.  Right there while everyone was chit chatting, the headstand was having an immediate effect on my parasympathetic nervous system.  The family went outside to talk and things became very quiet.  I could hear myself breathe.  Everything began to slow down and become even.  Wanting to open my heart to receive my relatives with love, I lay over a couple of pillows in modified fish pose.  Now that feels great after a long plane ride.  After 30 minutes of stretching, I lay in savasna, corpse pose, for 10 minutes listening to divine mother chants, allowing me the temporary rest I needed to really enjoy the day. That evening I went back to my hotel room and practiced one hour of gentle yoga using my yoga strap and some hotel pillows.  I practiced everyday I was away and you know what I found?  I enjoyed the time with my family so much more.  I just felt better.

 

Your Body Will Thank You For Practicing Yoga Everyday While You're Away

(Picture taken above Via Krupp  Capri, Italy)

 

[caption id="attachment_358" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="My Not So Graceful Natarajasana"][/caption]

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Pulling Emotional Weeds

Weeds: If You Don't Get The Root, They Just Keep Coming Up!

 

I worked in my yard most of this week pulling weeds.  Twice a year, I sprinkle weed tamer, ( I call it tamer because I don't like the word killer), and fertilizer on my grass as directed by the package it all comes in, and low and behold, up come the weeds.  This year was particularly weed fruitful, much like my life and the lives of so many.

Sometimes it feels very frustrating because every time I pull a weed, another one seems to show its tall neck as if to say, "Over here honey.  You missed it. Gotta dig a little deeper this time."  Some weeds are easy to pull.  They come up and are almost relieved to let go, easy to handle.  Others absolutely refuse to come out of the ground, showing so much resistance, that you need to dig them out with a sharp metal object.  They do not seem to be so relieved.  They are stubborn and fight to the bitter end. These are the weeds that stay low to the ground, not so detectable.  They really do want to just stay there and spread, hoping not to get noticed while relentlessly  taking over the healthy grass.  But once they are out of the ground, there is space for new healthy grass to grow.

 

When The Weeds of Life Overwhelm You, Be Easy With Yourself

 

Hmmm...where do you think I'm going with all of this?  You guessed it.  Life has lumps and bumps...and weeds.  Some are easy to pull, some take a little more digging.  I think we all know, if you don't dig up the root, they just keep coming back and they show up over and over, growing taller or wider by the day.

We all want the grass to be green and perfect, disease free, and full of luster.  But it doesn't always work out that way, no matter what we do or how much we try to control what is going on around us.  Be easy with yourself.  Pull a few and then rest in the grass.  Then dig up a few and rest in the grass.  And before you know it, your lawn and the way you feel when you lay down upon the earth will feel really wonderful.  You are loved and supported and the grass really is very green.

Please feel free to share your metaphors in the comment box below.

 

Inversions Take The Edge Off

Take The Edge Off:  Do A Headstand

   

The other day, I spent the day cleaning my house.  It seemed every time I mopped up the floor, five minutes later there were little trails of dirt forming a line straight to my 7-year-old son's room.  At first I thought maybe I missed a spot or two.  But then it kept on happening over and over.  What's the definition of insanity?  Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.  Naturally, I was frustrated.  He didn't mean to keep dragging the dirt in, but he's 7, hello!  

I know this seems minor in the grand scheme of things, but what I did next can help with all types of frustration.  I went into my sun room, promptly layed out a mat and went into a headstand.  The effects of practicing head stand are amazingly beneficial.  

    

The Benefits of Headstand

 

Improves many ailments such as:  

 Nervousness, tension, fatigue, sleeplessness, dullness, fear, poor blood circulation, bad memory, asthma, headaches, constipation, congested throat, liver or spleen, the initial stages of eye and nose troubles, and general lack of energy, vitality or self-confidence.   

Headstands stimulate our pituitary, pineal, thyroid and parathyroid glands relieving the body of physical and mental stress.  In short, headstands can get you out of a tizzy and assist your body in operating at an optimnal level!  

In general, hanging upside down helps calms the nerves and helps us get through emotional upsets.  

    

[caption id="attachment_319" align="aligncenter" width="224" caption="Beautiful Day For A Headstand"][/caption]

   

   

Viparita Karani: Relax Your Way Out of A Tizzy

   

Not into headstands?  No worries.   If you have a block, bolster, or pillow handy, you can practice Viparita Karani and get the same effect.  This is a restorative pose that can be held much longer.    

1.  Lie down on your back.  

2.  Bend your knees and place your feet on the floor.  

3.  Wriggle your should blades toward each other so that they feel flat on the floor.  We do this to keep the knobby-knob part of your back (cervical spine) off the floor.  Your arms can be out to the side, palms facing up, on your lower abdomen, or over head, whatever feels good to you.  

4.  Lift up your hips and slide either a block, bolster or pillow under your sacrum close to your tailbone.  Adjust for comfort.  

5.  Lift your legs so the souls of your feet are facing the ceiling.  If it feels too difficult to hold your legs up, then practice this pose so that your legs are resting against a wall.  

6.  Relax.  Soften your eyes, jaw, tongue and throat.  This pose can be held anywhere from 5-30 minutes.  

This is commonly referred to as the "Fountain of Youth" pose and it feels great.  

    

[caption id="attachment_320" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Basking in Viparita Karani"][/caption]

    

 

Healing: Making Peace With Loved Ones Past

Remembering Our Loved Ones

 

A couple of weeks ago, my sister would have been 52.  She died July 2, 1997 of an amniotic embolism.  She was 8 months pregnant with her third child when she went to the bathroom, stood up, and cried "Somethings wrong! Call 911" , dropped to the floor and tried to crawl to the phone, but could not survive the attack.  Her baby daughter never opened her eyes and died several days later.  Naturally, it was a very devastating time for me and for my family.

 

When Rape is What You Share in Common

 

For the most part, my sister and I were very close.  Although we lived very different lives, we shared something in common.  We were both raped when we were teenagers and we both held onto a lot of anger.  We constantly operated from a fear based state. Of course, we did not know that at the time.  Being in fight or flight all the time just felt normal to us.  Beating ourselves up for every little thing just felt normal.  We  judged harshly.  We judged each other.  We judged everything and everyone.  You can only imagine how exhausted we were.  We looked for ways to ease the pain, not fully understanding, the answer to living peacefully wasn't even a stones throw away.  All we really had to do was look in the mirror and let the walls fall.  Such a process, of course, is easier said than done.

 

Sometimes Anger Leads to Insight

 

My sister and had a falling out about twelve months before she died.  It wasn't a blow up and there was no yelling.  I felt I had to be honest with her about something, and while I felt peaceful about our conversation, it ended our closeness.  We were never close again.  Cordial, but not close.  In hindsight, I realize this was about the time we both began our spiritual journey, separate, but together.  We loved each other deeply and there was no doubt we both wanted to heal.  So we just let each other be.

 

Letting Go

 

We both began reading a lot of spiritual literature. We both went inward.  She was never close to my oldest sister, not as long as I can remember, not ever.  We all found ourselves walking on eggshells, careful not to light any fires.  The night she transitioned, an action that appeared to be out of the blue, she took a drive over to my oldest sister's home and tried to make amends for a lifetime of animosity suggesting to my oldest sister that they begin again, new and fresh.  She also hugged my middle sister and my parents and told everyone that she loved and appreciated them.  She went home and died several hours later.

 

Meditation Allows Us A Peaceful Connection

 

I was not there as I lived three thousand miles away, so it was very difficult, but I knew we were ok and that she loved me and she knew with no uncertainty that I loved her.  For many years and to this day, I sometimes feel her presence, her love and support.  As I sit quietly, shut my eyes and breathe, I can clearly see her laughing joyfully.  I know she has let go. I know, in the pit of my soul, she is happy and free. I can feel her gently nudging me sometimes, to go deeper, to travel inward.  Sometimes, I am nervous about letting go, about letting the walls fall, but I know that when I take the time to sit quietly, I am also happy.  I am also free.

 

[caption id="attachment_307" align="aligncenter" width="96" caption="Happy Birthday Patty! We Miss You."][/caption]

 

Food and Mood

Does Food Affect Our Mood?

 

Last weekend, my husband and I rented the documentary, "Food, Inc.".  We sat and watched, not really knowing what to expect.  Well, I can tell you, from beginning to end, we were glued to the movie.  It was really eye-opening.  The movie provoked an honest conversation between my husband and me about what we feed ourselves on a daily basis and how what we eat affects us physically and emotionally.  Below is the trailer for Food, Inc.

 

Food Inc - A Compelling Documentary About How Our Food Has Changed Over the Last 50 Years

 

Post trauma I suffered a major eating disorder, addictions, and a plethora of mood swings, not really understanding how what I was putting into my body affected my physical and mental health.  I knew I felt depressed, exhausted and hopeless for many years.  I worked out on a daily basis trying to sweat out whatever impurities, both physically and emotionally I felt I was carrying.  I did this for years and while, by most people's standards, I stayed thin and looked healthy, I continued to feel as if I would never feel alive and energetic again.  I felt depleted all the time.  As the terrible cycle repeated itself with each diet, I turned to food and alcohol to comfort myself only to end up in turmoil again and again.

  

Years before I began practicing yoga regularly, I read a lot of nutritional books, most of which, in so many words, referenced various types of food as either an enemy or a friend, sometimes both.  I found these books extremely useful.  At the time though, I didn't know anything about stores like Earth Fare, Trader Joes and Whole Foods.  I worked with what was available to me at the time.  I followed the advice of books such as the Atkins Diet, The Zone, The Sugar Buster and a host of other books capitalizing on the weight loss industry. 

Yoga Helps Raise Awareness About What We Put Into Our Bodies

  

It wasn't until I started practicing yoga that I got the, "diets don't work", message.  It became more clear as I read books like:

"The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross

"Skinny Bitch" by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

"Perfect Health", and "Grow Younger, Live Longer" by Deepak Chopra

Just to name a few. 

 

Keeping a Food and Excercise Journal Is Easy and Effective

 

It was then, through steady practice of yoga and meditation, that my awareness began to rise, that I began to fully understand that what I was eating was not just affecting my weight, but was absolutely affecting my emotions, my moods and how well my body was functioning.  Every day I began journaling what I was eating, what time I was eating, and how much I was eating.  If I noticed a mood change or a change in my energy level, I wrote that down as well.  The type of excercise I did on any given day?  Well, that went into the journal as well. I did that for approximately four months.  WOW!  What a difference.  Here's what I noticed:

1.  The more I ate, the worse I felt.  More than that, as I began writing everything down, I realized how much I was actually eating.  I was eating a lot more than I thought.  I felt slow, depressed and lethargic regardless of the amount of exercise I was doing each day.

2.  The less wine I drank and the more water I drank, the better I felt.  Duh, right?  Depression moved out.

3.  The less diet soda (labeled as "Liquid Satan" in the Skinny Bitch Book), the less bloated I felt and the more energy I experienced.  A more calm energy.

4.  Cutting down on chocolate and wine helped stabilize my blood sugar and my moods.  I still love chocolate and wine, but if I choose to indulge, I choose organic chocolate and organic wine.  Even then, one glass is enough.

5.  Cutting down on white bread and other items that we find in the middle isles of the grocery store has also helped stabilized my blood sugar. 

6.  Eating less cheese cut down on gas and bloating and left me feeling less lethargic.

7.  Eating 4 or 5 times per day helps me stay satisfied.  When my blood sugar is stable, I don't want to binge.  I am more even.  I am happy.  I do not feel hungry.

8.  Exercising helps me feel more alive.  I find that I prefer not to go to a gym anymore.  I practice yoga, walking in beautiful areas surrounded by nature, or I pop in a Netflix movie at home and sweat on my elliptical trainer.  I also swim when it is available to me. 

9.  Meditation, for me, is the key to staying even on the emotional scale.  When I feel even, I do not binge.  I do not eat or drink emotionally.  I am happy.  It all comes down to quieting the mind.  Do I still struggle?  Yes, but not as much.  It gets easier. 

I love all types of excercise, so don't think I am telling you what to do, what to eat, or how to excercise.  I am not a vegan or a vegetarian but I can tell you I eat significantly less meat than I used to and feel much better for it. I am sharing this article because as I started write everything down, it all became real, how food affects my mood.  It's easy to read about it.  But when you actually start recording on paper what is happening in your own body, the effects are so much easier to discern. It's so easy to forget what we ate yesterday or how depressed or hung over we were a week ago.  Logging keeps everything real.  It is simple, effective and takes no time at all.  You might make some emotional connections between food and mood that could dramatically change the quality of your life.

Additionally, keeping myself updated on what is going on in our food industry and continually educating myself on food and nutrition really helps raise my awareness on many different levels.  If you have read any great books on how food affects our mood, please feel free to reply to this blog.  Sharing information helps everyone gain a healthier perspective.  It is all part of the healing process.

 

[caption id="attachment_296" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Bon Appetit!"][/caption]

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emotional Healing: Gifts From My Child

The Love of My Child

    

  

[caption id="attachment_260" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="Liam at the ripe earthly age of 7"][/caption]

 

We celebrated my son's 7th birthday this weekend.  The day before his birthday, I picked him up from school and on the way home we had this conversation:      

          

Me: Did you have a wonderful day today?          

My Son: Yes.  We celebrated my birthday in class and had cupcakes.         

Me:  That sounds like fun.          

My Son:  Hey mom, when we're in the spirit world together, did you know we will always stay young and we don't have booboo's, and there's no blood and we just get to be together and be happy?          

Me:  Wow, that's wonderful.          

My Son:  You and me and dad will be together forever.          

Me:  I'm so glad you picked me as your mommy.  I love having you as my son.          

My Son:  Me too.  And dad too.  We will be a family for lifetimes mom, over and over and over again because I love you so much.  I will be born over and over and I will get to be with you and dad.          

Me:  I'm so glad.  You know why?  Because you are the most wonderful boy ever, ever, ever and I love you so much.  You're so fabulous.  I hope you are born to me over and over.          

My Son:  I'm so glad you said that mom.  I was hoping you would say that.   

 

And I thought to myself : "He knows we have been together before, in another lifetime."              

    

Children Understand Living Yoga

        

                 

My child never ceases to amaze me.  So loving and so kind.  His father and I show him lot's of affection every day.  We cuddle, we play, we talk.  We talk a lot.  I introduced Liam to yoga a couple of years ago.  He loves it.  Yoga inspires him and encourages him to be creative, connected, loving, respectful and compassionate toward others, toward animals, toward life.  He has reverence for life.  I watch him intently to learn from him, Satya, truth.  In fact, I absorb everything he has to teach me about the yamas and niyamas.     

         

One day, we were planting flowers.  We planted a miniature Magnolia.  After we were done padding down the soil, he hugged the tree.  I said, "That's so nice Liam."  His reply, "I know they need water, but they need love too mom, to help them grow", and then proceeded to go around and touch everything we just planted to show that he cared.           

           

I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but he is a great kid.  He still wants to get dirty, play baseball and fantasize about being some army soldier who saves people from exploding bombs, or being a fireman who saves people from burning buildings. There is a balance.  He practices, quite naturally, the art of balance.  He doesn't have to think about it. 

  

 

Children Understand the Power of Forgiveness 

   

        

If one of his friends hurts his feelings, we talk about it, and no grudge is held for long.  He forgives and moves on.  Again, I watch and learn.       

        

When I asked him what he wanted to eat for his birthday dinner, he said, "I don't want to eat a lot of junk food mom, except cake.  I like healthy food.  It just feels better to me."       

        

        

What's not to love?  What's not to learn?  It seems every day I gain a healthier perspective and my heart just grows bigger and bigger.    

   

[caption id="attachment_268" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Showing me how to be "Flexible""][/caption]

        

         

         

         

          

          

 

 

        

Healing and Cleaning Up Relationships

 

I attended a wonderful yoga therapy workshop recently with Doug Keller, a yoga therapy expert.  There were twenty-plus students in the room on the first day and it was warm and almost musty as we began working through the first series of poses.  Normally I would be so focused on what foot to bring forward,  what arm to raise or the fact that I actually need to breathe, but there was something else in the room that caught my eye. 

I noticed a face across the room that vaguely resembled that of someone I used to know, someone I was very close with a long time ago.  As we grew apart our painful relationship ended.  I quickly dismissed the idea that it could be her, as sometimes this world just seems so big.  I went back to focusing on my breath, one asana, two, and  there she was again, perhaps a slightly heavier version of her.    I am always second guessing what my eyes see since at the ripe age of 40, I suddenly needed glasses to read a menu or a sign on the road.  But my mind started to wonder, what if it is her?

 

Reacting to Old Pain

 

Several years ago, I wouldn't  have stood in the same parking lot with an old friendship gone sour, let alone sit in a seminar face to face as the hours, no doubt, pass with increasing anxiety.  But the thought of her being there did not send off the usual alarm in my solar plexus.  I did not feel scared or nervous at the possibility of her presence.  Instead, as I looked at this old stranger, I felt compassion and asked that the universe send her love from across the room.  I felt no discomfort whatsoever.  I just kept sending her love.  I thought to myself, "Self, whatever the universe is bringing to your attention, embrace it.  Let it be. There is something of value here."

After class, the woman disappeared so quickly, I was unable to approach her.  The next day, she did not return.  I asked to see the class roster and there was no one by her name in class the evening before.  I learned something about myself that day.  One, my eyes sometimes deceive me.  Two, my heart does not.  My heart tells me the truth every time.  My heart was broken a long time ago, but it is on the mend now, so feeling the need to defend my position in life or who I am no longer has a choke hold on me.  I was prepared to just let things be.  If it was her, I did not want her to have to defend who she was or is now.  I was prepared to accept her just the way she was, having a complete understanding that everyone is in a different place and needs to experience, without my opinions, whatever it is they need to experience.  I was, so they say, unattached to my own ego and the outcome.  While I have not come to perfect this craft, it was wonderful to experience this weekend.

 

Practicing Yoga and Meditation Helps Release Old Pain

 

Although sometimes it can be extremely useful to speak to old friends or family members whom we have hurt or who have hurt us, it is not necessary in order to clean up the relationship and release painful feelings.  It does, however, require honesty with ourselves and honesty with the universe, with God.  Sometimes, if it is too uncomfortable to speak with someone directly or the circumstance to communicate face to face do not present itself, we can ask the universe to lift the burden of pain, to release us from thoughts and feelings that bind us to our past, the thoughts that no longer serve us.

Practicing yoga and meditation helps us to become more clear about our lives, our pain, and provides us a space with which to forgive ourselves, forgive others, and release old pain.  In turn, we make room for a new path, a path of compassion, love, a good feeling place in our hearts that is no longer bound by the pain of our past.  We are able to clean up our relationships with ourselves and with others.  And we are free to love again.  We are free.

 

 

Emotional Upsets - Food to Fill The Void

 

    

Emotional Upsets - Food to Fill the Void

    

Has anyone ever said to you, "Wow, you look like you've lost weight", when you know you haven't, and in fact, weigh the same amount as you always have, give or take a few?  Maybe you've even inhaled some undesirable food and you feel like you're packing it on. Your response might be a simple thank you, or, if your anything like me, you immediately pose these questions to yourself, "Why would he/she say that?  Was I fat before?   Do I look like I need to lose weight?"  Someone is just trying to give you a compliment and you castastrophize it with self-doubt. The truth is, I have struggled with my weight for years fluctuating five or ten, even fifteen pounds depending on my emotional state that week or month.  I know that may not seem like much to some people, but it is something to me.  Of course it is not the weight.  The weight is a symptom.  Like author Janet Greeson says, "It's not what your eating, it's what's eating you."   

    

When We Don't Feel We Belong

    

What I have found through years of peeling my own emotional onion is that it is not the weight, the few pounds I gain here or there or the tipping of the scale that gives me the upset.  It is a question that I have asked myself when I am willing to look beyond the cellulite in the mirror, "Do I feel I have a right to be here?"  And what do you think the answer was?  From a logical perspective, my all-knowing, never wrong, brain speaking, the answer was and always is, "Yes!  Of course I have a right to be here!  What a ridiculous question."  But when my heart spoke, the very first time I asked myself that question, facing myself in the mirror I might add, the answer was a resounding, "NO!"  I broke down.  "So that's the real issue Donna, you feel like you're taking up space.  You're too big, too bulky, too fat and you just don't belong."  That "NO" began in my late teens, and since then I have grown tremendously, but the question remains the same and here's what I have found:   

    

It's Never About the Food

    

    

When we don't feel comfortable with who we are, we may not feel a sense of belonging, so we look outside of ourselves for something that will make us feel better, perhaps not realizing that it is what is inside us that gives us our security, our sense of self-worth.  So, for some people, this may be shopping.  For others it may be drinks after work or even drinking heavily, or keeping a very busy schedule, too busy in fact, to sit down and be quiet with nothing else but our own physical presence.  For others food provides comfort.  Looking outside seems so much easier and more fun until you go broke, get too big for your britches, literally, or fall down drunk.  Like so many people searching, I have experienced all of the above and more.  You are not alone.   

    

Yoga and Meditation Tame The Emotional Rollercoaster

    

Through yoga and meditation, I have learned to tame the emotional rollercoaster.  Now mind you, I have not perfected this craft, but I can tell you, I don't binge anymore and even when I eat a little too much, I go easy on myself.  I am much more conscious about what I put into my mouth.  No I don't work out like crazy at the gym.  Could I use more exercise?  Yes.  So I walk.  I walk in nature, on the beach.  I practice yoga.  My body is not perfect anymore and I am not trying to make it so.  I just want to be healthy and happy.  A daily dose of yoga and meditation can do wonders.  When practiced consistently, awareness and self-love become more palpable, more sustainable and the need for all those outside distractions begin to fall to the wayside.  I'm not saying this happens overnight.  But it is definitely doable.   

 

    

 

[caption id="attachment_240" align="aligncenter" width="130" caption="A Nice Stroll on the Sidewalk...ahh, feels good"][/caption]

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

 

Healing: Yoga, Meditation & Friendship

How Yoga and Meditation Helped My Friendships

 

My friend Brigid came to town this week to spend a little one on one time with me and to take a mommy break.  She's one of those people who can just go, go, go all day long.  She always looks at life from the bright side.  She is a chatterer, a booster, a lift me up kind of gal, the kind of person you would call when you get into a tizzy or you feel depressed, because you know she will, with no seemingly great effort, lift you right up and have you believing you are the best thing since sliced bread in no time at all.  And not in a fake sort of way.  She really does believe you are the best in the world.

 

Becoming a Better Friend Requires Self-Love

 

Before I began studying and practicing yoga and meditation, I really struggled with depression, something people with difficult pasts often do.  I really had a hard time seeing the bright side of anything, and thus, hung around with anyone who would listen to me complain about life.  And they complained with me.  We were all just one big unhappy complaining party.  It is one thing to feel depressed and quite another to know that you are milking the depression cow for everything it's worth.

Practicing yoga and meditation required me to take an honest look at myself, which, of course, knowing I was milking the cow, I was ready to do.  In the  process of slowing down and becoming still, you have no one to be with but yourself. I can tell you, as a person, who for many years, had no self-worth, this was no easy task.  Meditate???  For years, I didn't want to feel anything.  I didn't think I was capable of sitting down quietly without getting a headache from all the junk that lived rent free in my head. I couldn't imagine being alone with myself, not that I minded being physically alone, as long as I had something to do.  Actually, I preferred being alone, as I thought no one would really want to be around me.

Here's the thing:  I WAS WRONG!

 

SLOWING DOWN AND BECOMING STILL IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO SEE MYSELF FOR WHO I TRULY AM: WONDERFUL

 

Practicing yoga and meditation has, quite literally, relieved me of antidepressants, and has helped me realize my self-worth.  I'm not this ugly person I thought I was.  Sometime along the way, I had programmed myself into believing that I wasn't worth much.  I walked around with a wall around me, pretending everything was fine, and complaining, among many other distractions, was just another way to keep myself from facing my own truths.  I judged others as harshly I judged myself.  But I was also lifted by so many people who crossed my path.

People like my friend Brigid constantly help me see my own brilliance.  We help each other. I have quite a few friends like this, friends I no longer sit and complain with, but with which great synergy resides.  I have found that the people with in the yoga communities I frequent elevate each other.  I  have found that through self-love I am a better friend.  I listen, support and try to elevate the energy around me just by allowing myself to be who I really am. Loving. Supportive. Elevating.

 

[caption id="attachment_229" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Brigid & Me"][/caption]

Nia & Yoga - Feels Really Good

Nia & Yoga - Getting in Touch with my Creativity

 

Over the last six months, I have been repeatedly invited to try a Nia class.  Trained in Hatha, I am used to a certain sequence of poses and very comfortable knowing what's coming next, knowing what I am doing.  Various people have tried to describe to me what it feels like to take a Nia class, often describing the feeling of moving freely, using ones own creativity to allow the body to move as it pleases.  NIA actually stands for Neuromuscular Integrative Action. The definition  a local studio I recently visited includes: a highly aerobic, non-impact workout to rockin' music, incorporating coordinated movements and concepts from martial arts, dance and yoga; delivering increased energy, cardiovascular conditioning and FUN!

Not recruiting anyone to join me on this new and fascinating adventure, showing up for a one hour class on a cold winter evening forty minutes from my home, I walked in and was welcomed with open arms and excitement by a group of people seemingly happy that a newcomer climbed aboard.  There was no time to be nervous because my nervousness was diffused by the welcoming committee, the students.

Nia Feels Graceful and Light

 

Off with my shoes and socks and into the dimly lit, shiny floored room I went.  Uh oh, this place has mirrors.  Hmmm...not really sure I want to look at myself during all of this.  But there we were, standing in a circle and the music begins.  It is nicely paced,  sexy with a beat, yet warm and comforting.  We are beginning to move, hips first, arms second, not in a rigid way, but rather a flowing graceful sort of way.  No one is paying attention to anyone, except me of course, looking around to see if what I am doing is correct.  Everyone is looking in the mirror, watching their own bodies move with delight.  I am busy watching the instructor, who catches my eye and smiles every chance she gets.  She is warm and friendly and I feel myself beginning to relax.

Ten minutes into it, I am definitely looking in the mirror thinking, "This isn't so bad.  You look pretty good.  These mirrors are like carnival mirrors.  They make you look thinner than you actually feel.  Wonder where they got them?"  We continue on as we float around the room.  My hair is flying around...and I like it.  I like the way I feel, beautiful and graceful and so what if I'm not doing it perfectly.  I am not perfect, yet I feel perfect when I just allow my body to go with the flow.  It feels so nice, the music fills me up, and I feel really sexy.  Why am I telling you this?

  

Getting in Touch with Feminity, Creativity, Joy and Sexiness

 

After rape, or any kind of physical or emotional trauma, it is very common to shut down the parts of yourself that are creative, sexy and joy filled.  It could be that we married and had children...and well, life happened and we got distracted by life's daily activities.  Either way, sometimes it takes a while to find our joy again.  It might take some time to feel that sexiness you once felt.  I'm talking about authentic sexiness, joy that can only come when you truly love yourself, when you see your own light.  In this case, I hadn't seen myself as sexy for quite some time.  Oh sure, the occasional dress up and go to dinner feels good.  Or sometimes I go in the bathroom, shut the door, plug my ipod into my ears dance around in front of the mirror.  But never in front of anyone, which is curious for anyone who knows my past and my bar dancing days.

 

Seeing Your Own Light

 

This was different.  I stepped out of my comfort zone, something I find very difficult at times because I...we all, like to stick with what feels familiar.  I tried something new.  And you know what happened?  I saw my light.  In other words, I reminded myself, by the mere act of looking in the mirror, seeing myself move however graceful or ungraceful, how beautiful I really am.  Sometimes I forget.  Sometimes I forget to see my light because I am so afraid I'm going to see something else, something ugly.  But it is never so.  I look.  I see.  I feel. I am beautiful.  Today.

 

 

 

 

Appreciation - A Path to Healing

Living in Appreciation

[caption id="attachment_162" align="aligncenter" width="249" caption="My Wonderful Father & Me"][/caption]

A few days ago, I was preparing to drop off a computer and a printer to my friend Maggie, a computer that a few days ago, my father spent hours cleaning up, not because he was being paid, but because he wanted to do it for her.  My father had never met Maggie, at least not in person, until a few days ago.  I called him recently from her house asking him to help me fix her printer over the phone.  He tried for many hours and the next day to resolve the problem and decided he needed a better look.  A few days later Maggie made her way out here with her computer and printer in tow.  He worked on it until 1:00am until it was all cleaned up.  

The next day I was about to get into my car to deliver Maggie's computer, when my father came over and asked me if I wanted company driving to Maggie's.  She lives about 40 minutes away. I knew he wanted to get out of the house, but more importantly he wanted to make sure she was not going to have any more trouble with her computer.  That's just who he is.  As we drove, he said some things here and there, but we had a lot of silence.  Years ago, the silence would have bothered me and I would have been trying to chat things up just to keep my mind busy.  That doesn't work anymore for three reasons:   

1.  My father is hard of hearing so I either have to really speak up or we have to face each other so he can see what I am saying.  Kind of hard when your driving.  

2. After practicing yoga and meditation, the need to keep my mind busy has fallen away.  I rather enjoy the silence now because it doesn't feel like a threat anymore.  It feels peaceful.    

3.  If I were chatting it up, it would be impossible to sit silently in appreciation and awe, and absolute reverence for my father. 

  

Living Appreciatively after PTSD

A few things about my father:  He is a self-taught man...in every way.  He grew up not knowing the love of his mother.  He grew up hard, with tremendous uncertainty, served in two wars and suffered greatly from PTSD, not just from war, from tragic events in life, events which I do not even feel I can mention here or even comprehend.  I know this not only because the years we have spent together as a family, but because of a generous gift he recently gave to me, (and to our family), a two-volume (600 pages each), book of our family history.  I'm not talking about geneology, that's all part of it, but more of all the family stories, the intimate, happy, and heart wrenching stories behind each family member starting with my father and my mother.  The stories go right up to now, grandchildren and all.  In reading so many of the stories, which I have not finished, I realized more than ever how strong my father really is and found myself wondering how he could come out of such life with any energy at all.  And I realized, it's appreciation.  He appreciates life.  He loves.  He just loves.  He spends his time helping those in need.  It is never a question, should I help or not?  It is only, how can I contribute?  

Through Yoga and Meditation the Good Days Become More Frequent

That's not to say he sees eye to eye with everyone or that politics don't wear his nerves sometimes, but I think there is a sense of appreciation that comes with living through life's challenges.  For some of us, when a good day comes along, it's a really good day.  I have learned from my father, (and from my mother), to be appreciative of what I have, my family, my friends, the beautiful home I live in, living in this great country...the list goes on and on. I have also learned that through slowing my mind's chatter I become much more appreciative of what's going on around me.  I am more empathetic and less judgmental, not just toward other people, but toward myself.  I find that practicing yoga, especially in silence, just listening to the sound of my breath, brings up all kinds of emotions, some that feel great, some I need to let go.  Either way, the good days become more and more frequent regardless of my circumstances.  

  

  

[caption id="attachment_164" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="My Father and Me Dancing"][/caption]

 I LOVE YOU DAD!

Getting Emotional During Yoga?

 

As a yoga teacher, I am always reminding students that it is perfectly normal to cry during yoga, to feel a wide spectrum of emotion.  Today, the opportunity presented itself to me to practice what I preach.  While attending a wonderful sampler yoga class, I suddenly felt anger arise.  It felt odd in that I couldn't immediately place why I was feeling anger.  Anger, for me, comes up as a result of some judgment I've made about myself, some situation or someone else.  In this particular case, turns out it was me, the usual suspect. 

The Wonderful Effects of Lunar Yoga

 

 I was rather enjoying myself until we started the segment of Lunar Yoga.  Luna Yoga is directed towards women seeking natural ways in healing and/or maintaining health, especially in the fertile and sexual areas.  I must say, I am not too thrilled at the thought of creating any type of fertility, in the baby area anyway, if you know what I mean.  I'll be 45 in two weeks.  In addition to fertility, Luna Yoga specifically works in relationship to the lower chakras, the chakras that govern feelings such as:    

- Fight or flight which often resurfaces over and over if there is a lot of post traumatic stress going on    

 - Our basic needs including financial survival and personal security needs, an area in which I often find myself out of balance 

 - Our basic right to be here

And that's just to name a few!

  

  Self Criticism During Yoga

 

The poses are held longer than, say, a flow class.  As we were holding a deep lunge, we were told to take any weight off of our hands and fold over and let our heads hang down completely.  I found this very difficult, so I began to judge myself.  "Your arms aren't long enough Donna.  Your boobs are too big.  They're in the way.  Your hips are so tight.  What's wrong with you?  Why can't you just do it?"  And before I knew it, I had steam coming out of my ears and I felt like crying.  I had to back out of the pose a couple of times.  I finished the series barely able to contain myself and thanked God when the teacher for the last segment of yoga, Gentle Yoga, came and sat in front of the class to take us into relaxation.   

After class, I introduced myself to the Lunar Yoga Teacher, who was very sweet, and described to her the feeling that came up during that segment of class.  She said with a very kind and encouraging voice, "Wow.  Anger.  It really wanted to come out and leave."  Uhh, light bulb, Donna...Helloooo!  That statement really resonated with me.  That session gave new meaning to the phrase, "Let it go." 

 

  

[caption id="attachment_146" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="And the anger comes up..."][/caption]

 

 

[caption id="attachment_147" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="As I hold the pose, it travels right up through my body..."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_148" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Hips! I always feel it in the hips."][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_149" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ahh, much better. Aren't modifications wonderful?"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_150" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Even better yet, resting the veins. Good thing since they were just boiling."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_151" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="At last, my favorite right before nighty night."][/caption]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slow Down...It's Only Five Minutes

 I know I have mentioned breathing before and I will again and again.  It saved my life.  Many years of hurtful and painful experiences cause us to hold our breath, hold in our feelings, only to come out at inconvenient times through a variety of reactions to what are seemingly harmless situations.  Everything from snapping at one person or another, crying uncontrollably, to desperate feelings of self criticism.  Certainly one way of combating these feelings is to bury them by staying busy from the moment we wake up to sheer exhaustion, the only time of which some of us fall asleep in hopes of avoiding these feelings at all.  The the cycle repeats itself the next day and the next.

I'm not sure there is any way to get around peeling the onion.  Believe me, I've tried.  I used to overbook myself with daily and evening activities that if I failed to accomplish, or even if I did manage to accomplish, treat myself, depending on my perception of the achievement or failure of that particular day, to 2-3 glasses of wine convincing myself that I just needed to relax, that I deserved to relax.  Then when I thought I was fully relaxed, I would try to go to bed, only to find my legs restless with pins and needles and my heart racing.  The nervousness I felt from that cycle brought me to the restroom with an overactive bladder and then I would just cry out of frustration.  So I would reach into my drawer and take some sleeping medication just to knock myself out, without a restful sleep I can tell you, only to do it all over again the next day and the next.  Get my drift?

When I started practicing yoga, I was taught to breath.  Feeling like I was nuts and unable to control my thoughts and calm my mind, I found sitting very difficult.  In fact, it was excruciating.  I couldn't understand how people could just sit there for 30 minutes to an hour without going crazy.  I really wanted to avoid that too.  Ge'ez Louise, my back hurt, my knees hurt and Iwas impatient.  My teacher suggested just trying to sit quietly for 5 minutes each day whether I was at home or in my car outside of a Walmart parking lot.  I asked, " What about my thoughts?  They are racing and I get angry thinking about everything."  She just replied, Shut your eyes, listen to your breath, feel the cool coming out of your nose.  Don't try to get rid of your thoughts.  They can be like little children who need attention.  Just tell them nicely that you will be back in 5 minutes to give them your undivided attention.  Then just let your thoughts come and go like the waves of the ocean.  As they come in, go back to the sound of your breath.  Your five minutes will be over in the blink of an eye and before you know it, you will be sitting for ten and twenty minutes and you will crave the silence."

And you know what? She was right.  So wherever you are during the day, whether you are five minutes early picking up your child at school, at work on a lunch break, or waiting for a meeting to take place, just close your eyes, listen to the sound of your breath...5 minutes.  I promise you, written with love and first hand experience, you will begin to access the peace you are so desperately seeking.

Partner Yoga - A Great Way to Begin Trusting

[caption id="attachment_49" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Maggie and Me Supporting Each Other"][/caption]

 

 

Partner Yoga - A Great Way

to Begin Trusting

To the right is my friend Maggie.  I'm the one wearing the yellow shirt.  We took a partner yoga class together at The Yoga Loft in Summerville, SC, one of the most wonderful, intimate studios in the Charleston area,where I just so happen to teach.  There is nothing quite like partner yoga.  It is fun.  It can make you laugh like crazy.  It can be a little intimidating and scary.  And it can make you cry.  It requires complete trust and vulnerability.  It requires trusting someone you may or may not know.  Sometimes it can feel very intimate. 

One thing is for sure. It is amazing.  If you allow, love will pour out of you and you feel a beautiful sense of empowerment through completely supporting your partner and encouraging her to trust you to hold her up, to be there for her if she feels a sense of imbalance, to catch her if she falls.

And the same goes for you when it is your turn to be held up, to trust, to allow someone to catch you if you start to fall.  As it is in in life, right?  There is someone for us, for each and every one of us.  They are just waiting to love us, if we will only let them. There is empowerment and liberation in engaging with another individual in this way.  And when we come from a place of love and empowerment...ahh life is so much easier. 

I realize this is easier said than done, trusting and allowing yourself to be vulnerable that is, which is exactly why I chose to write about the partner yoga experience.  My first experience with partner yoga was in teacher training at Holy Cow Yoga in Charleston.  I had been looking forward to a partner yoga class for quite some time, but when it came right down to it, I got really nervous.   I thought, who is my partner going to be?  What if I screw up?  What if I am too heavy for her?  What if she doesn't like me?  What if there's no connection?  I had a lot of "what ifs".

Various Emotions During Partner Yoga

It felt kind of odd at first sitting in Sukasana, easy pose, back to back with someone I really didn't know very well.  I felt vulnerable right away and giddy at the same time.  I thought my partner would notice that I wasn't as flexible as she was and that it may not be fun for her to be with someone like me.  I made judgements about myself that weren't very kind.  As we were guided through our partner yoga  poses I found myself flooded with many different emotions such as:

Insecurity            Happiness            Love            Fear            Nervousness            Anxiety

I remember not wanting to make eye contact, but my partner was lovely and seemed secure and confident.  I quickly learned that she was very comfortable just loving me, assiting me with her calmness, laughter and easy going style.  We both laughed so much and really enjoyed attemping the poses.  And the more I laughed and the more poses we we were guided through, the more I lightened up.  The more I lightened up, the more exhilerated I became and then a sense of trust followed and it was actually the most fun I've had in a very long time.  I just let go.  I was doing things I hadn't even attempted since my gymnastic days many years ago.  I don't know how well I did them, but it was a blast trying.  You know why?  I had support.  Love and support filled the room.

In Partner Yoga - Vulnerability Becomes Exhileration

I couldn't wait to take another class.  So when The Yoga Loft offered a workshop in the fall, I jumped on it!  Maggie was my partner.  I know Maggie loves me and we had a wonderful,  fun experience.  I think our experience at Holy Cow really assisted Maggie and I help the other students lighten up, trust and let go.  There should be a partner class coming up somewhere soon as Valentines day approaches.  I would encourage anyone reading this to take a leap and engage in this wonderful activity.  It is a safe environment to begin trusting again and oh so much fun!

  



Axiom of Partner Yoga

 - All things are interdependent

 - Touch and Intimacy are basic human needs

 - Fear and Pain are two of life's greatest teachers

 - Exercise and rest are essential for vibrant health

 - Laughter and play are life's fountains of youth

 - Partnership is based on trust and communication

 - Breath is life

Taken from: Partner Yoga; Making Contact for Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Growth by Cain Carroll and Lori Kimata

When Rage Rears Its Ugly Head

I sit here in the Marriott in Cold Spring, NY waiting for my husband to come and pick me up for one final evening with the family before heading back home to South Carolina.  I have tried to rest today, eyes shut, envisioning Archangel Raphael's green loving light engulfing my body.  It has been a difficult week.  Sometimes being in close proximity to family for more than a few days at a time can be stressful.

This week, I saw myself, yet again, facing a difficult situation with my mother-in-law.  Through her frustration with her own life, I was reminded of my own rage, my own blow ups, my own blame, the blame I have so eagerly placed on others for my own unhappiness.  Oh, the rage is still there, yes indeed.  Years and years and years of holding onto to feelings that don't serve us will come out time and again manifesting  in physical and emotional pain.  I say that as I sit here, shoulder throbbing for no apparent reason whatsoever, at least not to the logical eye. 

But this time was, at least, a little different.  Instead of continuing the screaming battle, normally followed by an abrupt exit, I remembered how my husband forgave me for my blow ups and how he held me as I sobbed in frustration at my own inability to love myself.  In that moment, thinking of him, my mother-in-law started to sob.  I could not walk away.  I hugged her and held her and told her I loved her.  I told her we just want her to be happy.  We want happiness for her.  And then we sat and talked for a few moments, at least, until we were interrupted by icy snowy wet pants freezing the buns off of my six-year-old.

I shared with her the many years of experience and familiarity, the relationship I had with rage, starting with rape.  I had never shared any of this personal information with her before.  I told her, how for many years, I was accustomed to coming into a conversation with anyone, dukes up, ready to do battle, my unique talent of manipulating men or anyone for that matter.  I said to her, "I don't want to live that way anymore.  That's not who I am."  And this rage, is not who she is.  It does not define who we are, any of us. It is a red flashing light that says, if it could talk of course, "STOP.  Love Yourself."

Even though this episode ended in hugs and forgiveness, I still find myself wanting to meditate, to love and release myself from internalizing someone elses rage, something of a common occurence not so long ago.  This comes with practice.  Lots and lots of practice.

May we all go into the New Year meditating a little more on loving, showing compassion, kindness and forgiveness toward others and toward ourselves.  May we first seek joy, in all things. May we enjoy a more peaceful, healthy and prosperous life in 2010.  Happy New Year!

It's Christmas...Breathe

I was pondering what to blog on this very special week, wondering during the hustle and bustle what message I wanted to share this Christmas.  As I was beeped at waiting in a line of cars being driven by people feeling the same rush of holiday madness turning into the crowded parking lot of Barnes and Noble, I was reminded of the 2009 Christmas letter I wrote recently which was sent out to our close friends and family members.  The following is the message I shared with so many, and now all of you as well:

 

It’s that time of year, the time of year we rush around to buy presents, get everything wrapped, packed, shipped and whatever else we feel we have to do by some unreasonable deadline we have set for ourselves.  As I take a moment to sit down to write, I take a deep breath, something I’m into these days, and I thank the universe for what she gives me each and every day, my husband, my son, my family and friends, and the endless love and support I receive should I choose to recognize it.  I have learned that sometimes the universe has a funny way, not necessarily ha-ha, of showing me when I need to slow down and quite literally smell the roses.  When I listen she tells me when a change is in order and creates circumstances in which for me to learn and grow, gently nudging me to make a new path for myself, to emerge as the being I have always wanted to be, heart open, no strings.

 

Sometimes this does not feel so easy.  It is not always easy to get up in the morning and face challenges day in and day out and sometimes I really just want to hide behind my email, hoping no one will notice my fear, my imperfection.  I go on like this for a while and then my husband Troy comes in and tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.  Or my son Liam will come and give me a kiss, and if I’m lucky anymore, sit on my lap for a while. 

 

You see it doesn’t really matter what happened this year.  What matters most are the moments we sit back, take a deep breath and allow our hearts to feel the love of our family and friends.  There were many ups and downs in 2009 leaving many of us short of breath, uncertain about the future.  So remind yourself in the New Year, just breathe.  Everything else can wait.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

With Love,

 

Donna and Family

 

Trying To Be Perfect

Yoga From The Inside Out 

 

 My yoga teacher recently gave me a wonderful book to read called, "Yoga from the Inside Out”, by Christina Bell.  I would recommend this book to anyone interested in yoga, but particularly to those who have been abused.  Christina’s story really resonated with me although our abuse came in different forms.  Her desire to be perfect led her to problems such as eating disorders and fluctuating weight.

 

How many of us out there try to be perfect and why?  If you remember in my first blog I mentioned powering through yoga poses, pleasing people to the point of losing my integrity.  And what for? I would like to share with you the following passage from Christina’s book, page 107. 

 

One day Christina called the senior practitioner from her yoga community after months of feeling stressed from running her own coffee shop, beating herself up about being a terrible boss, being rude to her customers and what a spiritual loser she felt she was.  When the practitioner was able to speak, she said, “You know, we often forget that spiritual work is not about getting perfect—this work is about being surrendered.”

Trying To Be Perfect

 

Shocked at the reply, Christina goes on to say, “I began to reflect on how through all my years of therapy, therapy training, and yoga practice I was striving to be perfect so that I would be more loveable.  I imagined that if I did enough work on myself, I would no longer have neurotic manifestations or offensive personality traits.” That practitioner went on to say that such idealization wasn’t the point.  Surrender was the point. 

Reading this passage of the book, I was reminded of how often I felt that people could see right through me, viewing all of my imperfections and that if I was just smarter, prettier, more polished, more successful, I would finally be loved, not realizing what was staring me straight in the face.  I first had to love myself. 

 

It is not always as cut and dry as, “Oh yeah, I forgot, let me just love myself.”  If you have been beating yourself up for years, loving yourself may be easier said than done.  Abraham-Hicks, the authors of, “Law of Attraction”, repeatedly suggest to us that we go out to the water, get into the boat, and instead of allowing the boat to take us downstream, we immediately paddle upstream.  And…we insist on doing it that way!  That’s a hard way to live.

Letting Go Of Resistance

 

One of the ways I began to love myself was to recognize how resistant I was to life.  I never went with the flow.  I was determined to fight my way through everything.  For years I felt exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.  Sometimes I still do.  But at least now I am aware.  And when I get all wound up over something, I gently, and I mean gently, remind myself to let go.

 

That’s where yoga comes in.  When I am taking a class and I feel like I should be able to bend forward more, hold the plank position longer, or lay flat like a pancake in Janu sirsasana, head to knee pose, I sometimes silently scold myself for not being able to hold the position perfectly or the way I feel my body should respond.  Then I slow down take a deep breath and remind myself that wherever I am is the position that is perfect for me.  I tell myself to relax and breathe.  Am I resisting? Just breathe Donna.  Stop resisting. 

 

My teacher always says, “You’re not going to get any brownie points trying to be like Gumby.”  What does that mean?  Just love yourself the way you are, right now, today.  Be gentle with yourself by releasing any self criticism, even if it is for a few moments in the day or the hour that you practice yoga, allowing your body to just go with the flow.  It feels so much better.