Keeping The Faith

Keeping The Faith In Hard Economic Times

   

I am no stranger to hard economic times.  I remember my parents having $ 5.00 to spare after paying the bills each month. I went to school and worked hard for my bachelor's and master's in hopes I would never be out of a job.  I have had corporate jobs that paid well and no job living in constant fear coupled by physical safety issues resulting from PTSD.  Sometimes I felt like I would just go bananas!  

As I look around today, I meet so many people who also went to school to protect themselves from exactly what is going on right now.  With so many people out of work, walking away from mortgages, unable to meet their basic needs, it is no wonder there is so much fear floating around.  

   

Meditation Helps Calm The Fear

   

I wish we could have our life's path lit all the way down the road, but it just doesn't work that way.  I know we're supposed to enjoy the ride, but sometimes it's easier said than done.  No one said the journey was going to be easy.  But there is something we can do, that doesn't cost a dime, just 5-30 minutes a day that will make the goodness in our lives so much more palpable.  And that, my friends, is meditation.  

If you're not used to meditating, start out slow.  Sometimes it is very difficult to sit for 5 minutes, let alone 30 when your mind is going 100 miles per hour in a million different directions.  When I am working with new students, I have found 2 methods that help newbies quiet their minds.  

    

2 Methods To Help You Start Meditating

 

First find a quiet spot.  It doesn't matter where it is.  You can sit in your cubicle at work, on a chair somewhere, the floor, pillow or no pillow, whatever works for you.  Be comfortable, but be at attention.  This is not sleepy time.  Begin to breath from your belly, like a fat happy baby.  You know how they breathe, right?  When a baby inhales, their bellies get really round and big.  On their exhale, their bellies fall gently.  That's how you breathe.  Now, 2 methods to help you get started:  

1.  Count.   

Now, close your eyes.  Soften your jaw and the muscles in your face.  If your mind wants to go out into a million different directions, count.  Count 4 in and 4 out.  When you get that going, slow down the breath and count 4 in and 8 out and so on.  Feel it out and stick with what works.  It may be you feel more in sync with 6 on the inhale and 10 or 12 on the exhale.  The point is that counting helps focus the mind.  The same thing works with listening to the sound of your own breath and feeling the cool air flowing through your nostrils.  Try both, see what happens.  

2. Chants. Prayer. Music.   

 There is a particular prayer that helps me relax and focus very quickly.  It is a prayer/chant by Craig Pruess and Ananda, "Devi Prayer", 108 beautiful names for the Divine.  You can get in on iTunes.  It is beautiful and transformative.  In fact, I use it quite often whenever I teach restorative classes.  It feels healing and loving and just resonates with the soul.  I  find that most people who hear the prayers, male and female, are moved by its beauty.  Give it a try.  You won't be disappointed.  

[caption id="attachment_380" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Try it! It works."][/caption]

   

   

 

Choosing A Practitioner

Who's Going To Help Me Heal?

 

Over the years I have seen a variety of therapists and holistic practitioners, all in an attempt to help me heal from PTSD.  Different stages of my healing process required and still does require different practitioners.  Some people may be lucky enough to have one practitioner through their entire healing process.  Some may prefer just one.  I find it useful to work with different people based on their professional as well as their life experience.  However, it is not always easy to discern the level of empathy, compassion or integrity of some practitioners until there has been a face to face meeting and sometimes  it takes more than one.

 

How Do You Feel When You Are With Your Practitioner?

 

Recently, I visited with a practitioner who seemed to have quite a bit of business flowing his way.  He worked in a beautiful location surrounded by absolute serenity.  I was a little apprehensive because every time I stood in the same room with this man, I felt a little tightness in my chest.  I did not know why.  He seemed nice and very knowledgeable, so I chose to ignore my feelings.  I made an appointment with him anyway and was looking very forward to relaxing and allowing him to work his magic hands on me.  

I filled out a standard form regarding medications and general information this type of practitioner would be looking for, going against my instinct which told me not to expose myself, not this time.   One thing I noticed right off the bat were some pretty hefty promises about how I would feel later that evening.  But there I was, and the session began.  Beautiful music.  Beautiful surroundings.  Not a word.  Ahhh...relax, I told myself.  You're all in a tizzy about nothing, right?   I wish.

 

When A Practitioner Goes Outside Their Field Of Expertise

 

After the session, he wanted to speak with me about what he noticed.  When he started speaking, I finally got what my instinct was trying to tell me.  Judgement.  That's what I was feeling.  I felt like I was being judged.  And the more he talked, the tighter my chest grew.  He was talking to me as if he knew my life's story, delving into very personal space, space I was not ready to share with him, space and history which he knew absolutely nothing about.  It went on and on.  More judgement about my life and how I should feel and what I should do, how I should speak when referring to my own life experiences.  By the time I left, I felt so unempowered and so small.  And there he was, thinking he did me this huge favor.  He cured me! His ego was so big, he didn't even realize how what he said and how he said it might have affected me. 

And this is the problem I have noticed from time to time with practitioners.  They step outside of their expertise into areas they know nothing about.  As a result, the client walks away wondering what just happened.  Sometimes people who work in the healing arena have not cleaned up their own stuff.  They've helped a few people.  They might have a little following and bam!  They've got a deity complex.  Never having completed the inner work in their own lives, they set out to heal others, but the ego has grown too big and gets in the way of the true talent that awaits them.

 

What To Look For In A Practitioner

 

1.  Got instincts?  Listen to'em.  If you are feeling like you may not be a match, keep looking.  There is someone out there just for you.

2.  Check with other practitioners in the area.  Most practitioners will not bad mouth other practitioners, but you can get a sense of what type of person you are about to see.  If the practitioner you are about to see is well  respected in his/her field, most of his/her colleagues will gladly recommend this person.  It is useful to check with several other people in a similar field.

3.  Check with past clients, if you happen to know any.  Poke around.  Ask questions.  You will get a good idea whether the practitioner might be a good fit for you. 

4.  When you finally do see someone, check in with how you feel.  Do you feel empowered?  If not, keep looking.  They may have a great deal of talent, but may not be  right for you. 

5.  You'll know when you've hit the jackpot.  That little voice tells you, "This practitioner is working from his/her highest good."  You'll know it because you'll feel it.  Never minimize your feelings.  Your heart always tells you the truth.

 

If you have any useful tips on finding a good practitioner, please feel free to share below.

 

 

Inversions Take The Edge Off

Take The Edge Off:  Do A Headstand

   

The other day, I spent the day cleaning my house.  It seemed every time I mopped up the floor, five minutes later there were little trails of dirt forming a line straight to my 7-year-old son's room.  At first I thought maybe I missed a spot or two.  But then it kept on happening over and over.  What's the definition of insanity?  Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.  Naturally, I was frustrated.  He didn't mean to keep dragging the dirt in, but he's 7, hello!  

I know this seems minor in the grand scheme of things, but what I did next can help with all types of frustration.  I went into my sun room, promptly layed out a mat and went into a headstand.  The effects of practicing head stand are amazingly beneficial.  

    

The Benefits of Headstand

 

Improves many ailments such as:  

 Nervousness, tension, fatigue, sleeplessness, dullness, fear, poor blood circulation, bad memory, asthma, headaches, constipation, congested throat, liver or spleen, the initial stages of eye and nose troubles, and general lack of energy, vitality or self-confidence.   

Headstands stimulate our pituitary, pineal, thyroid and parathyroid glands relieving the body of physical and mental stress.  In short, headstands can get you out of a tizzy and assist your body in operating at an optimnal level!  

In general, hanging upside down helps calms the nerves and helps us get through emotional upsets.  

    

[caption id="attachment_319" align="aligncenter" width="224" caption="Beautiful Day For A Headstand"][/caption]

   

   

Viparita Karani: Relax Your Way Out of A Tizzy

   

Not into headstands?  No worries.   If you have a block, bolster, or pillow handy, you can practice Viparita Karani and get the same effect.  This is a restorative pose that can be held much longer.    

1.  Lie down on your back.  

2.  Bend your knees and place your feet on the floor.  

3.  Wriggle your should blades toward each other so that they feel flat on the floor.  We do this to keep the knobby-knob part of your back (cervical spine) off the floor.  Your arms can be out to the side, palms facing up, on your lower abdomen, or over head, whatever feels good to you.  

4.  Lift up your hips and slide either a block, bolster or pillow under your sacrum close to your tailbone.  Adjust for comfort.  

5.  Lift your legs so the souls of your feet are facing the ceiling.  If it feels too difficult to hold your legs up, then practice this pose so that your legs are resting against a wall.  

6.  Relax.  Soften your eyes, jaw, tongue and throat.  This pose can be held anywhere from 5-30 minutes.  

This is commonly referred to as the "Fountain of Youth" pose and it feels great.  

    

[caption id="attachment_320" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Basking in Viparita Karani"][/caption]

    

 

Healing: Making Peace With Loved Ones Past

Remembering Our Loved Ones

 

A couple of weeks ago, my sister would have been 52.  She died July 2, 1997 of an amniotic embolism.  She was 8 months pregnant with her third child when she went to the bathroom, stood up, and cried "Somethings wrong! Call 911" , dropped to the floor and tried to crawl to the phone, but could not survive the attack.  Her baby daughter never opened her eyes and died several days later.  Naturally, it was a very devastating time for me and for my family.

 

When Rape is What You Share in Common

 

For the most part, my sister and I were very close.  Although we lived very different lives, we shared something in common.  We were both raped when we were teenagers and we both held onto a lot of anger.  We constantly operated from a fear based state. Of course, we did not know that at the time.  Being in fight or flight all the time just felt normal to us.  Beating ourselves up for every little thing just felt normal.  We  judged harshly.  We judged each other.  We judged everything and everyone.  You can only imagine how exhausted we were.  We looked for ways to ease the pain, not fully understanding, the answer to living peacefully wasn't even a stones throw away.  All we really had to do was look in the mirror and let the walls fall.  Such a process, of course, is easier said than done.

 

Sometimes Anger Leads to Insight

 

My sister and had a falling out about twelve months before she died.  It wasn't a blow up and there was no yelling.  I felt I had to be honest with her about something, and while I felt peaceful about our conversation, it ended our closeness.  We were never close again.  Cordial, but not close.  In hindsight, I realize this was about the time we both began our spiritual journey, separate, but together.  We loved each other deeply and there was no doubt we both wanted to heal.  So we just let each other be.

 

Letting Go

 

We both began reading a lot of spiritual literature. We both went inward.  She was never close to my oldest sister, not as long as I can remember, not ever.  We all found ourselves walking on eggshells, careful not to light any fires.  The night she transitioned, an action that appeared to be out of the blue, she took a drive over to my oldest sister's home and tried to make amends for a lifetime of animosity suggesting to my oldest sister that they begin again, new and fresh.  She also hugged my middle sister and my parents and told everyone that she loved and appreciated them.  She went home and died several hours later.

 

Meditation Allows Us A Peaceful Connection

 

I was not there as I lived three thousand miles away, so it was very difficult, but I knew we were ok and that she loved me and she knew with no uncertainty that I loved her.  For many years and to this day, I sometimes feel her presence, her love and support.  As I sit quietly, shut my eyes and breathe, I can clearly see her laughing joyfully.  I know she has let go. I know, in the pit of my soul, she is happy and free. I can feel her gently nudging me sometimes, to go deeper, to travel inward.  Sometimes, I am nervous about letting go, about letting the walls fall, but I know that when I take the time to sit quietly, I am also happy.  I am also free.

 

[caption id="attachment_307" align="aligncenter" width="96" caption="Happy Birthday Patty! We Miss You."][/caption]

 

Emotional Healing: Gifts From My Child

The Love of My Child

    

  

[caption id="attachment_260" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="Liam at the ripe earthly age of 7"][/caption]

 

We celebrated my son's 7th birthday this weekend.  The day before his birthday, I picked him up from school and on the way home we had this conversation:      

          

Me: Did you have a wonderful day today?          

My Son: Yes.  We celebrated my birthday in class and had cupcakes.         

Me:  That sounds like fun.          

My Son:  Hey mom, when we're in the spirit world together, did you know we will always stay young and we don't have booboo's, and there's no blood and we just get to be together and be happy?          

Me:  Wow, that's wonderful.          

My Son:  You and me and dad will be together forever.          

Me:  I'm so glad you picked me as your mommy.  I love having you as my son.          

My Son:  Me too.  And dad too.  We will be a family for lifetimes mom, over and over and over again because I love you so much.  I will be born over and over and I will get to be with you and dad.          

Me:  I'm so glad.  You know why?  Because you are the most wonderful boy ever, ever, ever and I love you so much.  You're so fabulous.  I hope you are born to me over and over.          

My Son:  I'm so glad you said that mom.  I was hoping you would say that.   

 

And I thought to myself : "He knows we have been together before, in another lifetime."              

    

Children Understand Living Yoga

        

                 

My child never ceases to amaze me.  So loving and so kind.  His father and I show him lot's of affection every day.  We cuddle, we play, we talk.  We talk a lot.  I introduced Liam to yoga a couple of years ago.  He loves it.  Yoga inspires him and encourages him to be creative, connected, loving, respectful and compassionate toward others, toward animals, toward life.  He has reverence for life.  I watch him intently to learn from him, Satya, truth.  In fact, I absorb everything he has to teach me about the yamas and niyamas.     

         

One day, we were planting flowers.  We planted a miniature Magnolia.  After we were done padding down the soil, he hugged the tree.  I said, "That's so nice Liam."  His reply, "I know they need water, but they need love too mom, to help them grow", and then proceeded to go around and touch everything we just planted to show that he cared.           

           

I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but he is a great kid.  He still wants to get dirty, play baseball and fantasize about being some army soldier who saves people from exploding bombs, or being a fireman who saves people from burning buildings. There is a balance.  He practices, quite naturally, the art of balance.  He doesn't have to think about it. 

  

 

Children Understand the Power of Forgiveness 

   

        

If one of his friends hurts his feelings, we talk about it, and no grudge is held for long.  He forgives and moves on.  Again, I watch and learn.       

        

When I asked him what he wanted to eat for his birthday dinner, he said, "I don't want to eat a lot of junk food mom, except cake.  I like healthy food.  It just feels better to me."       

        

        

What's not to love?  What's not to learn?  It seems every day I gain a healthier perspective and my heart just grows bigger and bigger.    

   

[caption id="attachment_268" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Showing me how to be "Flexible""][/caption]

        

         

         

         

          

          

 

 

        

Healing and Cleaning Up Relationships

 

I attended a wonderful yoga therapy workshop recently with Doug Keller, a yoga therapy expert.  There were twenty-plus students in the room on the first day and it was warm and almost musty as we began working through the first series of poses.  Normally I would be so focused on what foot to bring forward,  what arm to raise or the fact that I actually need to breathe, but there was something else in the room that caught my eye. 

I noticed a face across the room that vaguely resembled that of someone I used to know, someone I was very close with a long time ago.  As we grew apart our painful relationship ended.  I quickly dismissed the idea that it could be her, as sometimes this world just seems so big.  I went back to focusing on my breath, one asana, two, and  there she was again, perhaps a slightly heavier version of her.    I am always second guessing what my eyes see since at the ripe age of 40, I suddenly needed glasses to read a menu or a sign on the road.  But my mind started to wonder, what if it is her?

 

Reacting to Old Pain

 

Several years ago, I wouldn't  have stood in the same parking lot with an old friendship gone sour, let alone sit in a seminar face to face as the hours, no doubt, pass with increasing anxiety.  But the thought of her being there did not send off the usual alarm in my solar plexus.  I did not feel scared or nervous at the possibility of her presence.  Instead, as I looked at this old stranger, I felt compassion and asked that the universe send her love from across the room.  I felt no discomfort whatsoever.  I just kept sending her love.  I thought to myself, "Self, whatever the universe is bringing to your attention, embrace it.  Let it be. There is something of value here."

After class, the woman disappeared so quickly, I was unable to approach her.  The next day, she did not return.  I asked to see the class roster and there was no one by her name in class the evening before.  I learned something about myself that day.  One, my eyes sometimes deceive me.  Two, my heart does not.  My heart tells me the truth every time.  My heart was broken a long time ago, but it is on the mend now, so feeling the need to defend my position in life or who I am no longer has a choke hold on me.  I was prepared to just let things be.  If it was her, I did not want her to have to defend who she was or is now.  I was prepared to accept her just the way she was, having a complete understanding that everyone is in a different place and needs to experience, without my opinions, whatever it is they need to experience.  I was, so they say, unattached to my own ego and the outcome.  While I have not come to perfect this craft, it was wonderful to experience this weekend.

 

Practicing Yoga and Meditation Helps Release Old Pain

 

Although sometimes it can be extremely useful to speak to old friends or family members whom we have hurt or who have hurt us, it is not necessary in order to clean up the relationship and release painful feelings.  It does, however, require honesty with ourselves and honesty with the universe, with God.  Sometimes, if it is too uncomfortable to speak with someone directly or the circumstance to communicate face to face do not present itself, we can ask the universe to lift the burden of pain, to release us from thoughts and feelings that bind us to our past, the thoughts that no longer serve us.

Practicing yoga and meditation helps us to become more clear about our lives, our pain, and provides us a space with which to forgive ourselves, forgive others, and release old pain.  In turn, we make room for a new path, a path of compassion, love, a good feeling place in our hearts that is no longer bound by the pain of our past.  We are able to clean up our relationships with ourselves and with others.  And we are free to love again.  We are free.

 

 

Emotional Upsets - Food to Fill The Void

 

    

Emotional Upsets - Food to Fill the Void

    

Has anyone ever said to you, "Wow, you look like you've lost weight", when you know you haven't, and in fact, weigh the same amount as you always have, give or take a few?  Maybe you've even inhaled some undesirable food and you feel like you're packing it on. Your response might be a simple thank you, or, if your anything like me, you immediately pose these questions to yourself, "Why would he/she say that?  Was I fat before?   Do I look like I need to lose weight?"  Someone is just trying to give you a compliment and you castastrophize it with self-doubt. The truth is, I have struggled with my weight for years fluctuating five or ten, even fifteen pounds depending on my emotional state that week or month.  I know that may not seem like much to some people, but it is something to me.  Of course it is not the weight.  The weight is a symptom.  Like author Janet Greeson says, "It's not what your eating, it's what's eating you."   

    

When We Don't Feel We Belong

    

What I have found through years of peeling my own emotional onion is that it is not the weight, the few pounds I gain here or there or the tipping of the scale that gives me the upset.  It is a question that I have asked myself when I am willing to look beyond the cellulite in the mirror, "Do I feel I have a right to be here?"  And what do you think the answer was?  From a logical perspective, my all-knowing, never wrong, brain speaking, the answer was and always is, "Yes!  Of course I have a right to be here!  What a ridiculous question."  But when my heart spoke, the very first time I asked myself that question, facing myself in the mirror I might add, the answer was a resounding, "NO!"  I broke down.  "So that's the real issue Donna, you feel like you're taking up space.  You're too big, too bulky, too fat and you just don't belong."  That "NO" began in my late teens, and since then I have grown tremendously, but the question remains the same and here's what I have found:   

    

It's Never About the Food

    

    

When we don't feel comfortable with who we are, we may not feel a sense of belonging, so we look outside of ourselves for something that will make us feel better, perhaps not realizing that it is what is inside us that gives us our security, our sense of self-worth.  So, for some people, this may be shopping.  For others it may be drinks after work or even drinking heavily, or keeping a very busy schedule, too busy in fact, to sit down and be quiet with nothing else but our own physical presence.  For others food provides comfort.  Looking outside seems so much easier and more fun until you go broke, get too big for your britches, literally, or fall down drunk.  Like so many people searching, I have experienced all of the above and more.  You are not alone.   

    

Yoga and Meditation Tame The Emotional Rollercoaster

    

Through yoga and meditation, I have learned to tame the emotional rollercoaster.  Now mind you, I have not perfected this craft, but I can tell you, I don't binge anymore and even when I eat a little too much, I go easy on myself.  I am much more conscious about what I put into my mouth.  No I don't work out like crazy at the gym.  Could I use more exercise?  Yes.  So I walk.  I walk in nature, on the beach.  I practice yoga.  My body is not perfect anymore and I am not trying to make it so.  I just want to be healthy and happy.  A daily dose of yoga and meditation can do wonders.  When practiced consistently, awareness and self-love become more palpable, more sustainable and the need for all those outside distractions begin to fall to the wayside.  I'm not saying this happens overnight.  But it is definitely doable.   

 

    

 

[caption id="attachment_240" align="aligncenter" width="130" caption="A Nice Stroll on the Sidewalk...ahh, feels good"][/caption]

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

    

 

Healing: Yoga, Meditation & Friendship

How Yoga and Meditation Helped My Friendships

 

My friend Brigid came to town this week to spend a little one on one time with me and to take a mommy break.  She's one of those people who can just go, go, go all day long.  She always looks at life from the bright side.  She is a chatterer, a booster, a lift me up kind of gal, the kind of person you would call when you get into a tizzy or you feel depressed, because you know she will, with no seemingly great effort, lift you right up and have you believing you are the best thing since sliced bread in no time at all.  And not in a fake sort of way.  She really does believe you are the best in the world.

 

Becoming a Better Friend Requires Self-Love

 

Before I began studying and practicing yoga and meditation, I really struggled with depression, something people with difficult pasts often do.  I really had a hard time seeing the bright side of anything, and thus, hung around with anyone who would listen to me complain about life.  And they complained with me.  We were all just one big unhappy complaining party.  It is one thing to feel depressed and quite another to know that you are milking the depression cow for everything it's worth.

Practicing yoga and meditation required me to take an honest look at myself, which, of course, knowing I was milking the cow, I was ready to do.  In the  process of slowing down and becoming still, you have no one to be with but yourself. I can tell you, as a person, who for many years, had no self-worth, this was no easy task.  Meditate???  For years, I didn't want to feel anything.  I didn't think I was capable of sitting down quietly without getting a headache from all the junk that lived rent free in my head. I couldn't imagine being alone with myself, not that I minded being physically alone, as long as I had something to do.  Actually, I preferred being alone, as I thought no one would really want to be around me.

Here's the thing:  I WAS WRONG!

 

SLOWING DOWN AND BECOMING STILL IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO SEE MYSELF FOR WHO I TRULY AM: WONDERFUL

 

Practicing yoga and meditation has, quite literally, relieved me of antidepressants, and has helped me realize my self-worth.  I'm not this ugly person I thought I was.  Sometime along the way, I had programmed myself into believing that I wasn't worth much.  I walked around with a wall around me, pretending everything was fine, and complaining, among many other distractions, was just another way to keep myself from facing my own truths.  I judged others as harshly I judged myself.  But I was also lifted by so many people who crossed my path.

People like my friend Brigid constantly help me see my own brilliance.  We help each other. I have quite a few friends like this, friends I no longer sit and complain with, but with which great synergy resides.  I have found that the people with in the yoga communities I frequent elevate each other.  I  have found that through self-love I am a better friend.  I listen, support and try to elevate the energy around me just by allowing myself to be who I really am. Loving. Supportive. Elevating.

 

[caption id="attachment_229" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Brigid & Me"][/caption]

Slow Down...It's Only Five Minutes

 I know I have mentioned breathing before and I will again and again.  It saved my life.  Many years of hurtful and painful experiences cause us to hold our breath, hold in our feelings, only to come out at inconvenient times through a variety of reactions to what are seemingly harmless situations.  Everything from snapping at one person or another, crying uncontrollably, to desperate feelings of self criticism.  Certainly one way of combating these feelings is to bury them by staying busy from the moment we wake up to sheer exhaustion, the only time of which some of us fall asleep in hopes of avoiding these feelings at all.  The the cycle repeats itself the next day and the next.

I'm not sure there is any way to get around peeling the onion.  Believe me, I've tried.  I used to overbook myself with daily and evening activities that if I failed to accomplish, or even if I did manage to accomplish, treat myself, depending on my perception of the achievement or failure of that particular day, to 2-3 glasses of wine convincing myself that I just needed to relax, that I deserved to relax.  Then when I thought I was fully relaxed, I would try to go to bed, only to find my legs restless with pins and needles and my heart racing.  The nervousness I felt from that cycle brought me to the restroom with an overactive bladder and then I would just cry out of frustration.  So I would reach into my drawer and take some sleeping medication just to knock myself out, without a restful sleep I can tell you, only to do it all over again the next day and the next.  Get my drift?

When I started practicing yoga, I was taught to breath.  Feeling like I was nuts and unable to control my thoughts and calm my mind, I found sitting very difficult.  In fact, it was excruciating.  I couldn't understand how people could just sit there for 30 minutes to an hour without going crazy.  I really wanted to avoid that too.  Ge'ez Louise, my back hurt, my knees hurt and Iwas impatient.  My teacher suggested just trying to sit quietly for 5 minutes each day whether I was at home or in my car outside of a Walmart parking lot.  I asked, " What about my thoughts?  They are racing and I get angry thinking about everything."  She just replied, Shut your eyes, listen to your breath, feel the cool coming out of your nose.  Don't try to get rid of your thoughts.  They can be like little children who need attention.  Just tell them nicely that you will be back in 5 minutes to give them your undivided attention.  Then just let your thoughts come and go like the waves of the ocean.  As they come in, go back to the sound of your breath.  Your five minutes will be over in the blink of an eye and before you know it, you will be sitting for ten and twenty minutes and you will crave the silence."

And you know what? She was right.  So wherever you are during the day, whether you are five minutes early picking up your child at school, at work on a lunch break, or waiting for a meeting to take place, just close your eyes, listen to the sound of your breath...5 minutes.  I promise you, written with love and first hand experience, you will begin to access the peace you are so desperately seeking.

When Rage Rears Its Ugly Head

I sit here in the Marriott in Cold Spring, NY waiting for my husband to come and pick me up for one final evening with the family before heading back home to South Carolina.  I have tried to rest today, eyes shut, envisioning Archangel Raphael's green loving light engulfing my body.  It has been a difficult week.  Sometimes being in close proximity to family for more than a few days at a time can be stressful.

This week, I saw myself, yet again, facing a difficult situation with my mother-in-law.  Through her frustration with her own life, I was reminded of my own rage, my own blow ups, my own blame, the blame I have so eagerly placed on others for my own unhappiness.  Oh, the rage is still there, yes indeed.  Years and years and years of holding onto to feelings that don't serve us will come out time and again manifesting  in physical and emotional pain.  I say that as I sit here, shoulder throbbing for no apparent reason whatsoever, at least not to the logical eye. 

But this time was, at least, a little different.  Instead of continuing the screaming battle, normally followed by an abrupt exit, I remembered how my husband forgave me for my blow ups and how he held me as I sobbed in frustration at my own inability to love myself.  In that moment, thinking of him, my mother-in-law started to sob.  I could not walk away.  I hugged her and held her and told her I loved her.  I told her we just want her to be happy.  We want happiness for her.  And then we sat and talked for a few moments, at least, until we were interrupted by icy snowy wet pants freezing the buns off of my six-year-old.

I shared with her the many years of experience and familiarity, the relationship I had with rage, starting with rape.  I had never shared any of this personal information with her before.  I told her, how for many years, I was accustomed to coming into a conversation with anyone, dukes up, ready to do battle, my unique talent of manipulating men or anyone for that matter.  I said to her, "I don't want to live that way anymore.  That's not who I am."  And this rage, is not who she is.  It does not define who we are, any of us. It is a red flashing light that says, if it could talk of course, "STOP.  Love Yourself."

Even though this episode ended in hugs and forgiveness, I still find myself wanting to meditate, to love and release myself from internalizing someone elses rage, something of a common occurence not so long ago.  This comes with practice.  Lots and lots of practice.

May we all go into the New Year meditating a little more on loving, showing compassion, kindness and forgiveness toward others and toward ourselves.  May we first seek joy, in all things. May we enjoy a more peaceful, healthy and prosperous life in 2010.  Happy New Year!