Healing: Yoga, Meditation & Friendship

How Yoga and Meditation Helped My Friendships

 

My friend Brigid came to town this week to spend a little one on one time with me and to take a mommy break.  She's one of those people who can just go, go, go all day long.  She always looks at life from the bright side.  She is a chatterer, a booster, a lift me up kind of gal, the kind of person you would call when you get into a tizzy or you feel depressed, because you know she will, with no seemingly great effort, lift you right up and have you believing you are the best thing since sliced bread in no time at all.  And not in a fake sort of way.  She really does believe you are the best in the world.

 

Becoming a Better Friend Requires Self-Love

 

Before I began studying and practicing yoga and meditation, I really struggled with depression, something people with difficult pasts often do.  I really had a hard time seeing the bright side of anything, and thus, hung around with anyone who would listen to me complain about life.  And they complained with me.  We were all just one big unhappy complaining party.  It is one thing to feel depressed and quite another to know that you are milking the depression cow for everything it's worth.

Practicing yoga and meditation required me to take an honest look at myself, which, of course, knowing I was milking the cow, I was ready to do.  In the  process of slowing down and becoming still, you have no one to be with but yourself. I can tell you, as a person, who for many years, had no self-worth, this was no easy task.  Meditate???  For years, I didn't want to feel anything.  I didn't think I was capable of sitting down quietly without getting a headache from all the junk that lived rent free in my head. I couldn't imagine being alone with myself, not that I minded being physically alone, as long as I had something to do.  Actually, I preferred being alone, as I thought no one would really want to be around me.

Here's the thing:  I WAS WRONG!

 

SLOWING DOWN AND BECOMING STILL IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO SEE MYSELF FOR WHO I TRULY AM: WONDERFUL

 

Practicing yoga and meditation has, quite literally, relieved me of antidepressants, and has helped me realize my self-worth.  I'm not this ugly person I thought I was.  Sometime along the way, I had programmed myself into believing that I wasn't worth much.  I walked around with a wall around me, pretending everything was fine, and complaining, among many other distractions, was just another way to keep myself from facing my own truths.  I judged others as harshly I judged myself.  But I was also lifted by so many people who crossed my path.

People like my friend Brigid constantly help me see my own brilliance.  We help each other. I have quite a few friends like this, friends I no longer sit and complain with, but with which great synergy resides.  I have found that the people with in the yoga communities I frequent elevate each other.  I  have found that through self-love I am a better friend.  I listen, support and try to elevate the energy around me just by allowing myself to be who I really am. Loving. Supportive. Elevating.

 

[caption id="attachment_229" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Brigid & Me"][/caption]

Nia & Yoga - Feels Really Good

Nia & Yoga - Getting in Touch with my Creativity

 

Over the last six months, I have been repeatedly invited to try a Nia class.  Trained in Hatha, I am used to a certain sequence of poses and very comfortable knowing what's coming next, knowing what I am doing.  Various people have tried to describe to me what it feels like to take a Nia class, often describing the feeling of moving freely, using ones own creativity to allow the body to move as it pleases.  NIA actually stands for Neuromuscular Integrative Action. The definition  a local studio I recently visited includes: a highly aerobic, non-impact workout to rockin' music, incorporating coordinated movements and concepts from martial arts, dance and yoga; delivering increased energy, cardiovascular conditioning and FUN!

Not recruiting anyone to join me on this new and fascinating adventure, showing up for a one hour class on a cold winter evening forty minutes from my home, I walked in and was welcomed with open arms and excitement by a group of people seemingly happy that a newcomer climbed aboard.  There was no time to be nervous because my nervousness was diffused by the welcoming committee, the students.

Nia Feels Graceful and Light

 

Off with my shoes and socks and into the dimly lit, shiny floored room I went.  Uh oh, this place has mirrors.  Hmmm...not really sure I want to look at myself during all of this.  But there we were, standing in a circle and the music begins.  It is nicely paced,  sexy with a beat, yet warm and comforting.  We are beginning to move, hips first, arms second, not in a rigid way, but rather a flowing graceful sort of way.  No one is paying attention to anyone, except me of course, looking around to see if what I am doing is correct.  Everyone is looking in the mirror, watching their own bodies move with delight.  I am busy watching the instructor, who catches my eye and smiles every chance she gets.  She is warm and friendly and I feel myself beginning to relax.

Ten minutes into it, I am definitely looking in the mirror thinking, "This isn't so bad.  You look pretty good.  These mirrors are like carnival mirrors.  They make you look thinner than you actually feel.  Wonder where they got them?"  We continue on as we float around the room.  My hair is flying around...and I like it.  I like the way I feel, beautiful and graceful and so what if I'm not doing it perfectly.  I am not perfect, yet I feel perfect when I just allow my body to go with the flow.  It feels so nice, the music fills me up, and I feel really sexy.  Why am I telling you this?

  

Getting in Touch with Feminity, Creativity, Joy and Sexiness

 

After rape, or any kind of physical or emotional trauma, it is very common to shut down the parts of yourself that are creative, sexy and joy filled.  It could be that we married and had children...and well, life happened and we got distracted by life's daily activities.  Either way, sometimes it takes a while to find our joy again.  It might take some time to feel that sexiness you once felt.  I'm talking about authentic sexiness, joy that can only come when you truly love yourself, when you see your own light.  In this case, I hadn't seen myself as sexy for quite some time.  Oh sure, the occasional dress up and go to dinner feels good.  Or sometimes I go in the bathroom, shut the door, plug my ipod into my ears dance around in front of the mirror.  But never in front of anyone, which is curious for anyone who knows my past and my bar dancing days.

 

Seeing Your Own Light

 

This was different.  I stepped out of my comfort zone, something I find very difficult at times because I...we all, like to stick with what feels familiar.  I tried something new.  And you know what happened?  I saw my light.  In other words, I reminded myself, by the mere act of looking in the mirror, seeing myself move however graceful or ungraceful, how beautiful I really am.  Sometimes I forget.  Sometimes I forget to see my light because I am so afraid I'm going to see something else, something ugly.  But it is never so.  I look.  I see.  I feel. I am beautiful.  Today.

 

 

 

 

Aging Gracefully - Letting Things Be

Yoga - Let the Real Me Emerge

 

I will be 45 this week.  I think back to 35 and 25 and thank God I am 45.  I think I like getting older.  I'm not even sure I remember 25 and that's perfectly fine with me.  At 35 life was getting much better.  I finished my Master's, lived in a apartment on the top floor looking right at Neiman Marcus.  I think my biggest concern each day was deciding who was going to take me to lunch or dinner that day.  What a life!  But while that part of life was really nice, I was still very lonely and attached to what other people thought about me, still not quite knowing who I was, looking for that something, drink, dress, trip to fill me up.  But it never really lasted.  I was not the person I wanted to be.   

A New Kind of Energy

At that time I was beginning to take yoga classes.  The classes were held in a gym, so there wasn't much talk, if any, about the philosophy of yoga, but rather just enough quiet and stillness to provoke thought and move me to start reading very spiritually based books like gary Zukav's, Seat of the Soul, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, Where Are You Going by Swami Muktananda, and some of my very favorite Marianne Williamson's books I still refer to today.  And so, I started to grow, increasing my awareness, my own accountability, my role in life and how I was contributing or not contributing.  As time passed and I engaged in in more yogic activity, I began to surround myself with people who elevated me.  And I observed how these people lived, how graceful and appreciative, how non-judgemental and loving.  It's as if they knew I needed to be loved and they loved me, my beautiful husband being one of those people, whom I am certain crossed my path as a new kind of energy began to emerge. 

 Feeling Beautiful Comes With Age

So, the past is the past and I have lived through tremedous pain, pain that at one time, I never thought would ever lift.  But time heals.  Forgiveness heals, forgiving myself as well as others.   My past no longer holds me hostage.  I love myself.  I think Marianne says it beautifully in her book "The Age of Miracles", when she explains how past lessons affect us:

"You were being given the chance to become the person you're capable of being.  Some lessons you passed, some you have to take again.  Some you enjoyed, and some you resisted and might have hated.  But they've left you--if you choose--a better person, a more vulnerable person, a wiser person, a more noble person.  And from that all things are possible."

And My Favorite Part...Fabulous At Any Age

"A youthful body is wonderful, but it's not all it's cracked up to be when you're not who you should be.  And once you are, the cracks in your body can have a beauty of their own.  You don't have to be young to be fabulous."

I have a friend who is close to 80 years young, who said to me one day, when I told her I was getting Botox, "I don't believe in any of that stuff.  I've earned every single wrinkle and scar on this body, head to toe."  And she is, with all of her earned wrinkles, the most spectacular woman.  Now, just to clarify, I'm not so humble that I am ready to toss the Botox, but I can tell you, the more I get to know myself, the more I love myself.  Meditaton reveals to me who I really am and Yoga helps me embrace myself, imperfections and all.  The real me is stepping forward.  Turns out diamonds are not this girls best friend, I am.

 

[caption id="attachment_198" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Happy Birthday to Me!"][/caption]

The First Chakra - Dealing With Insecurity

 

The Unbalanced Muladhara

 

"Fear drives us further into a sense of separation.  Faith leads us out of separation and into the awareness of the flow of life that is greater than ourselves." 

 

David Pond

 Chakras:  The Universal Life Force That Circulates Through Us All : Located In The Subtle Body

 

The root chakra, the one I constantly seem to be addressing, covers a wide array of feelings.  Muladhara,  the root chakra, really has to do with survival, physical identity and self-preservation.  Your body is a vehicle in which to balance this chakra, in fact, all of your chakras, each one governing different aspects of your life.  This particular chakra is associated with survival instinct and the will to live, feelings that most people have to deal with at some point in their lives, but is especially pertinent, at least in this blog, to survivors of rape, violent acts and people in general who have suffered from PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

 

  When unbalanced, we might feel sluggish and resistant. Overeating and hoarding are common as well as greediness, workaholism and excessive spending, all in an attempt to feel secure.  On the other end of the spectrum we might feel a tremendous amount of anxiety, restlessness, flightiness, and may feel disconnected from the body.  We may not like our body at all.  We may not feel like we have a right to be here, like we don't fit.  All of of these feelings revolve around this never-ending cycle of remorse and insecurity leaving us to suffer on the path of self-destruction, finding at every corner, someone who will absolutely confirm our victim-like views of scarcity. 

 

You know those feelings.  They sound something like this:

 

 There will never be enough money. 

 

I don't fit in. 

 

 I will never fit in. 

 

I don't belong here. 

 

I don't feel safe.

 

I'm not good enough.

 

I need to earn my right to exist.

 

And if we're really honest?  I'm scared to death.

 

When we are feeling this kind of energy, or lack thereof, it is easy to find circumstances that support our views and our feelings inadequacy, telling us every day how worthless we are.  We might be constantly feeling a sense of fight or flight, always feeling defensive.  We feel that deep down we are not supported.  We do not trust the universe to support us.  This often comes up on us at night when we are trying to sleep.  We have insomnia.  And while it is not the same for everyone, I find that most often people are afraid to let go.  We are afraid the universe will not support us and thus we stay up unaware of why we are not able to just fall asleep.  We feel pain, anxiety, tightness around the solar plexus, our mind races...whatever the symptom, this comes down to trust.  The good news is that we can do simple exercises to help balance our root chakra.  And when we begin to balance, we feel so much better.

 

A Balanced First Chakra

When we are balanced, we feel secure in the earth, grounded, knowing the universe is there to support us.  We are physically healthy and comfortable in our body.  We have a sense of calm.  We feel safe and secure and know we have a right to be here, to live, prosperously.  And better yet, we are able to be still.  We no longer need distractions.  We are present.  Everything seems to fall into place.  We are surrounded by like-minded people and circumstances that confirm how wonderful we really are.  Others feel safe around us.  We sleep peacefully.  We feel a sense of calm.  We are still here, same body, same house, same earth, but we are now feeling balanced, which in turn, allows us to to respond to lifes challenges maybe a little more gracefully, knowing that whatever is thrown our way, shall too, pass.

 

We've been here before:  It sounds something like this:

 

There is enough to go around for everyone.

 

I feel loved and supported by God, by the Universe.

 

I feel safe and secure.

 

I really like who I am.

 

I have a right to be here. I love being here.

 

I feel healthy and grounded.

 

I feel stable.

 

 

 

So how do we balance the root chakra?  How do we get to that place where we feel secure and balanced?  There are many things we can do such as yoga and mediation, chakra clearing, getting connected with nature and just plain physical exercise.  Any physical exercise such as biking, hiking, walking and gardening can quickly connect us with the earth. 

 

Connection with the Earth: When walking in my yard, I almost always take my shoes off and allow a direction connection between me and the earth, often lying down right in the middle of my back yard to stare up at the tall community of trees surrounding me and the never-ending supply of blue sky reminding me that there is something so great, so big supporting me that I need not fear.  I can let go, if even for a little while.  Needless to say, spring, summer and fall are great months, at least at my house!

 

Meditation is great for grounding because we are sitting at attention, but not in a rigid way, perched on our first chakra.  If we do nothing but just listen to the sound of our breath even for 5-20 minutes per day, we can quiet our mind enough, to just allow our true sense fo self to emerge.  It's as if our mind slows the chatter and we feel moments of peace and after practicing for a while, we begin to feel that there is something greater out there supporting us.  We may receive answers to questions that have been nagging us.  Sometimes I use the morning to sit quietly for 10 minutes to affirm to myself that I am loved and supported and I ask for guidance and for truth to be revealed to me in the way that God would have me see it, in the way that the universe would have me experience the truth.  From this perspective, my life doesn't seem so chaotic, so uncertain.

 

Yoga Poses such as tree pose, seated forward bend, child pose and the warrior poses, among many others, all help balance the root chakra.

 

 

[caption id="attachment_185" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Liam & Mommy in Child's Pose"][/caption]



 

 

 

[caption id="attachment_187" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Liam & Mommy in Warrior Two"][/caption]

 



 

 

 

Massage and Chakra Clearing are nice treats for the first chakra.  Sometimes I massage my own feet in the bathtub or treat myself to a nice massage at Urban Nirvana here in Charleston.  Or I go to a specialist, like Suzanne Goldston at Seeking Indigo for chakra clearing, reiki treatments Ayurvedic and other  treatments.

 

 

[caption id="attachment_184" align="aligncenter" width="224" caption="Suzanne Goldston and Me at Seeking Indigo"][/caption]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Appreciation - A Path to Healing

Living in Appreciation

[caption id="attachment_162" align="aligncenter" width="249" caption="My Wonderful Father & Me"][/caption]

A few days ago, I was preparing to drop off a computer and a printer to my friend Maggie, a computer that a few days ago, my father spent hours cleaning up, not because he was being paid, but because he wanted to do it for her.  My father had never met Maggie, at least not in person, until a few days ago.  I called him recently from her house asking him to help me fix her printer over the phone.  He tried for many hours and the next day to resolve the problem and decided he needed a better look.  A few days later Maggie made her way out here with her computer and printer in tow.  He worked on it until 1:00am until it was all cleaned up.  

The next day I was about to get into my car to deliver Maggie's computer, when my father came over and asked me if I wanted company driving to Maggie's.  She lives about 40 minutes away. I knew he wanted to get out of the house, but more importantly he wanted to make sure she was not going to have any more trouble with her computer.  That's just who he is.  As we drove, he said some things here and there, but we had a lot of silence.  Years ago, the silence would have bothered me and I would have been trying to chat things up just to keep my mind busy.  That doesn't work anymore for three reasons:   

1.  My father is hard of hearing so I either have to really speak up or we have to face each other so he can see what I am saying.  Kind of hard when your driving.  

2. After practicing yoga and meditation, the need to keep my mind busy has fallen away.  I rather enjoy the silence now because it doesn't feel like a threat anymore.  It feels peaceful.    

3.  If I were chatting it up, it would be impossible to sit silently in appreciation and awe, and absolute reverence for my father. 

  

Living Appreciatively after PTSD

A few things about my father:  He is a self-taught man...in every way.  He grew up not knowing the love of his mother.  He grew up hard, with tremendous uncertainty, served in two wars and suffered greatly from PTSD, not just from war, from tragic events in life, events which I do not even feel I can mention here or even comprehend.  I know this not only because the years we have spent together as a family, but because of a generous gift he recently gave to me, (and to our family), a two-volume (600 pages each), book of our family history.  I'm not talking about geneology, that's all part of it, but more of all the family stories, the intimate, happy, and heart wrenching stories behind each family member starting with my father and my mother.  The stories go right up to now, grandchildren and all.  In reading so many of the stories, which I have not finished, I realized more than ever how strong my father really is and found myself wondering how he could come out of such life with any energy at all.  And I realized, it's appreciation.  He appreciates life.  He loves.  He just loves.  He spends his time helping those in need.  It is never a question, should I help or not?  It is only, how can I contribute?  

Through Yoga and Meditation the Good Days Become More Frequent

That's not to say he sees eye to eye with everyone or that politics don't wear his nerves sometimes, but I think there is a sense of appreciation that comes with living through life's challenges.  For some of us, when a good day comes along, it's a really good day.  I have learned from my father, (and from my mother), to be appreciative of what I have, my family, my friends, the beautiful home I live in, living in this great country...the list goes on and on. I have also learned that through slowing my mind's chatter I become much more appreciative of what's going on around me.  I am more empathetic and less judgmental, not just toward other people, but toward myself.  I find that practicing yoga, especially in silence, just listening to the sound of my breath, brings up all kinds of emotions, some that feel great, some I need to let go.  Either way, the good days become more and more frequent regardless of my circumstances.  

  

  

[caption id="attachment_164" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="My Father and Me Dancing"][/caption]

 I LOVE YOU DAD!

Getting Emotional During Yoga?

 

As a yoga teacher, I am always reminding students that it is perfectly normal to cry during yoga, to feel a wide spectrum of emotion.  Today, the opportunity presented itself to me to practice what I preach.  While attending a wonderful sampler yoga class, I suddenly felt anger arise.  It felt odd in that I couldn't immediately place why I was feeling anger.  Anger, for me, comes up as a result of some judgment I've made about myself, some situation or someone else.  In this particular case, turns out it was me, the usual suspect. 

The Wonderful Effects of Lunar Yoga

 

 I was rather enjoying myself until we started the segment of Lunar Yoga.  Luna Yoga is directed towards women seeking natural ways in healing and/or maintaining health, especially in the fertile and sexual areas.  I must say, I am not too thrilled at the thought of creating any type of fertility, in the baby area anyway, if you know what I mean.  I'll be 45 in two weeks.  In addition to fertility, Luna Yoga specifically works in relationship to the lower chakras, the chakras that govern feelings such as:    

- Fight or flight which often resurfaces over and over if there is a lot of post traumatic stress going on    

 - Our basic needs including financial survival and personal security needs, an area in which I often find myself out of balance 

 - Our basic right to be here

And that's just to name a few!

  

  Self Criticism During Yoga

 

The poses are held longer than, say, a flow class.  As we were holding a deep lunge, we were told to take any weight off of our hands and fold over and let our heads hang down completely.  I found this very difficult, so I began to judge myself.  "Your arms aren't long enough Donna.  Your boobs are too big.  They're in the way.  Your hips are so tight.  What's wrong with you?  Why can't you just do it?"  And before I knew it, I had steam coming out of my ears and I felt like crying.  I had to back out of the pose a couple of times.  I finished the series barely able to contain myself and thanked God when the teacher for the last segment of yoga, Gentle Yoga, came and sat in front of the class to take us into relaxation.   

After class, I introduced myself to the Lunar Yoga Teacher, who was very sweet, and described to her the feeling that came up during that segment of class.  She said with a very kind and encouraging voice, "Wow.  Anger.  It really wanted to come out and leave."  Uhh, light bulb, Donna...Helloooo!  That statement really resonated with me.  That session gave new meaning to the phrase, "Let it go." 

 

  

[caption id="attachment_146" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="And the anger comes up..."][/caption]

 

 

[caption id="attachment_147" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="As I hold the pose, it travels right up through my body..."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_148" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Hips! I always feel it in the hips."][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_149" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ahh, much better. Aren't modifications wonderful?"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_150" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Even better yet, resting the veins. Good thing since they were just boiling."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_151" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="At last, my favorite right before nighty night."][/caption]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slow Down...It's Only Five Minutes

 I know I have mentioned breathing before and I will again and again.  It saved my life.  Many years of hurtful and painful experiences cause us to hold our breath, hold in our feelings, only to come out at inconvenient times through a variety of reactions to what are seemingly harmless situations.  Everything from snapping at one person or another, crying uncontrollably, to desperate feelings of self criticism.  Certainly one way of combating these feelings is to bury them by staying busy from the moment we wake up to sheer exhaustion, the only time of which some of us fall asleep in hopes of avoiding these feelings at all.  The the cycle repeats itself the next day and the next.

I'm not sure there is any way to get around peeling the onion.  Believe me, I've tried.  I used to overbook myself with daily and evening activities that if I failed to accomplish, or even if I did manage to accomplish, treat myself, depending on my perception of the achievement or failure of that particular day, to 2-3 glasses of wine convincing myself that I just needed to relax, that I deserved to relax.  Then when I thought I was fully relaxed, I would try to go to bed, only to find my legs restless with pins and needles and my heart racing.  The nervousness I felt from that cycle brought me to the restroom with an overactive bladder and then I would just cry out of frustration.  So I would reach into my drawer and take some sleeping medication just to knock myself out, without a restful sleep I can tell you, only to do it all over again the next day and the next.  Get my drift?

When I started practicing yoga, I was taught to breath.  Feeling like I was nuts and unable to control my thoughts and calm my mind, I found sitting very difficult.  In fact, it was excruciating.  I couldn't understand how people could just sit there for 30 minutes to an hour without going crazy.  I really wanted to avoid that too.  Ge'ez Louise, my back hurt, my knees hurt and Iwas impatient.  My teacher suggested just trying to sit quietly for 5 minutes each day whether I was at home or in my car outside of a Walmart parking lot.  I asked, " What about my thoughts?  They are racing and I get angry thinking about everything."  She just replied, Shut your eyes, listen to your breath, feel the cool coming out of your nose.  Don't try to get rid of your thoughts.  They can be like little children who need attention.  Just tell them nicely that you will be back in 5 minutes to give them your undivided attention.  Then just let your thoughts come and go like the waves of the ocean.  As they come in, go back to the sound of your breath.  Your five minutes will be over in the blink of an eye and before you know it, you will be sitting for ten and twenty minutes and you will crave the silence."

And you know what? She was right.  So wherever you are during the day, whether you are five minutes early picking up your child at school, at work on a lunch break, or waiting for a meeting to take place, just close your eyes, listen to the sound of your breath...5 minutes.  I promise you, written with love and first hand experience, you will begin to access the peace you are so desperately seeking.