Appreciation - A Path to Healing

Living in Appreciation

[caption id="attachment_162" align="aligncenter" width="249" caption="My Wonderful Father & Me"][/caption]

A few days ago, I was preparing to drop off a computer and a printer to my friend Maggie, a computer that a few days ago, my father spent hours cleaning up, not because he was being paid, but because he wanted to do it for her.  My father had never met Maggie, at least not in person, until a few days ago.  I called him recently from her house asking him to help me fix her printer over the phone.  He tried for many hours and the next day to resolve the problem and decided he needed a better look.  A few days later Maggie made her way out here with her computer and printer in tow.  He worked on it until 1:00am until it was all cleaned up.  

The next day I was about to get into my car to deliver Maggie's computer, when my father came over and asked me if I wanted company driving to Maggie's.  She lives about 40 minutes away. I knew he wanted to get out of the house, but more importantly he wanted to make sure she was not going to have any more trouble with her computer.  That's just who he is.  As we drove, he said some things here and there, but we had a lot of silence.  Years ago, the silence would have bothered me and I would have been trying to chat things up just to keep my mind busy.  That doesn't work anymore for three reasons:   

1.  My father is hard of hearing so I either have to really speak up or we have to face each other so he can see what I am saying.  Kind of hard when your driving.  

2. After practicing yoga and meditation, the need to keep my mind busy has fallen away.  I rather enjoy the silence now because it doesn't feel like a threat anymore.  It feels peaceful.    

3.  If I were chatting it up, it would be impossible to sit silently in appreciation and awe, and absolute reverence for my father. 

  

Living Appreciatively after PTSD

A few things about my father:  He is a self-taught man...in every way.  He grew up not knowing the love of his mother.  He grew up hard, with tremendous uncertainty, served in two wars and suffered greatly from PTSD, not just from war, from tragic events in life, events which I do not even feel I can mention here or even comprehend.  I know this not only because the years we have spent together as a family, but because of a generous gift he recently gave to me, (and to our family), a two-volume (600 pages each), book of our family history.  I'm not talking about geneology, that's all part of it, but more of all the family stories, the intimate, happy, and heart wrenching stories behind each family member starting with my father and my mother.  The stories go right up to now, grandchildren and all.  In reading so many of the stories, which I have not finished, I realized more than ever how strong my father really is and found myself wondering how he could come out of such life with any energy at all.  And I realized, it's appreciation.  He appreciates life.  He loves.  He just loves.  He spends his time helping those in need.  It is never a question, should I help or not?  It is only, how can I contribute?  

Through Yoga and Meditation the Good Days Become More Frequent

That's not to say he sees eye to eye with everyone or that politics don't wear his nerves sometimes, but I think there is a sense of appreciation that comes with living through life's challenges.  For some of us, when a good day comes along, it's a really good day.  I have learned from my father, (and from my mother), to be appreciative of what I have, my family, my friends, the beautiful home I live in, living in this great country...the list goes on and on. I have also learned that through slowing my mind's chatter I become much more appreciative of what's going on around me.  I am more empathetic and less judgmental, not just toward other people, but toward myself.  I find that practicing yoga, especially in silence, just listening to the sound of my breath, brings up all kinds of emotions, some that feel great, some I need to let go.  Either way, the good days become more and more frequent regardless of my circumstances.  

  

  

[caption id="attachment_164" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="My Father and Me Dancing"][/caption]

 I LOVE YOU DAD!

Getting Emotional During Yoga?

 

As a yoga teacher, I am always reminding students that it is perfectly normal to cry during yoga, to feel a wide spectrum of emotion.  Today, the opportunity presented itself to me to practice what I preach.  While attending a wonderful sampler yoga class, I suddenly felt anger arise.  It felt odd in that I couldn't immediately place why I was feeling anger.  Anger, for me, comes up as a result of some judgment I've made about myself, some situation or someone else.  In this particular case, turns out it was me, the usual suspect. 

The Wonderful Effects of Lunar Yoga

 

 I was rather enjoying myself until we started the segment of Lunar Yoga.  Luna Yoga is directed towards women seeking natural ways in healing and/or maintaining health, especially in the fertile and sexual areas.  I must say, I am not too thrilled at the thought of creating any type of fertility, in the baby area anyway, if you know what I mean.  I'll be 45 in two weeks.  In addition to fertility, Luna Yoga specifically works in relationship to the lower chakras, the chakras that govern feelings such as:    

- Fight or flight which often resurfaces over and over if there is a lot of post traumatic stress going on    

 - Our basic needs including financial survival and personal security needs, an area in which I often find myself out of balance 

 - Our basic right to be here

And that's just to name a few!

  

  Self Criticism During Yoga

 

The poses are held longer than, say, a flow class.  As we were holding a deep lunge, we were told to take any weight off of our hands and fold over and let our heads hang down completely.  I found this very difficult, so I began to judge myself.  "Your arms aren't long enough Donna.  Your boobs are too big.  They're in the way.  Your hips are so tight.  What's wrong with you?  Why can't you just do it?"  And before I knew it, I had steam coming out of my ears and I felt like crying.  I had to back out of the pose a couple of times.  I finished the series barely able to contain myself and thanked God when the teacher for the last segment of yoga, Gentle Yoga, came and sat in front of the class to take us into relaxation.   

After class, I introduced myself to the Lunar Yoga Teacher, who was very sweet, and described to her the feeling that came up during that segment of class.  She said with a very kind and encouraging voice, "Wow.  Anger.  It really wanted to come out and leave."  Uhh, light bulb, Donna...Helloooo!  That statement really resonated with me.  That session gave new meaning to the phrase, "Let it go." 

 

  

[caption id="attachment_146" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="And the anger comes up..."][/caption]

 

 

[caption id="attachment_147" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="As I hold the pose, it travels right up through my body..."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_148" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Hips! I always feel it in the hips."][/caption]



[caption id="attachment_149" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Ahh, much better. Aren't modifications wonderful?"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_150" align="alignleft" width="224" caption="Even better yet, resting the veins. Good thing since they were just boiling."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_151" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="At last, my favorite right before nighty night."][/caption]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slow Down...It's Only Five Minutes

 I know I have mentioned breathing before and I will again and again.  It saved my life.  Many years of hurtful and painful experiences cause us to hold our breath, hold in our feelings, only to come out at inconvenient times through a variety of reactions to what are seemingly harmless situations.  Everything from snapping at one person or another, crying uncontrollably, to desperate feelings of self criticism.  Certainly one way of combating these feelings is to bury them by staying busy from the moment we wake up to sheer exhaustion, the only time of which some of us fall asleep in hopes of avoiding these feelings at all.  The the cycle repeats itself the next day and the next.

I'm not sure there is any way to get around peeling the onion.  Believe me, I've tried.  I used to overbook myself with daily and evening activities that if I failed to accomplish, or even if I did manage to accomplish, treat myself, depending on my perception of the achievement or failure of that particular day, to 2-3 glasses of wine convincing myself that I just needed to relax, that I deserved to relax.  Then when I thought I was fully relaxed, I would try to go to bed, only to find my legs restless with pins and needles and my heart racing.  The nervousness I felt from that cycle brought me to the restroom with an overactive bladder and then I would just cry out of frustration.  So I would reach into my drawer and take some sleeping medication just to knock myself out, without a restful sleep I can tell you, only to do it all over again the next day and the next.  Get my drift?

When I started practicing yoga, I was taught to breath.  Feeling like I was nuts and unable to control my thoughts and calm my mind, I found sitting very difficult.  In fact, it was excruciating.  I couldn't understand how people could just sit there for 30 minutes to an hour without going crazy.  I really wanted to avoid that too.  Ge'ez Louise, my back hurt, my knees hurt and Iwas impatient.  My teacher suggested just trying to sit quietly for 5 minutes each day whether I was at home or in my car outside of a Walmart parking lot.  I asked, " What about my thoughts?  They are racing and I get angry thinking about everything."  She just replied, Shut your eyes, listen to your breath, feel the cool coming out of your nose.  Don't try to get rid of your thoughts.  They can be like little children who need attention.  Just tell them nicely that you will be back in 5 minutes to give them your undivided attention.  Then just let your thoughts come and go like the waves of the ocean.  As they come in, go back to the sound of your breath.  Your five minutes will be over in the blink of an eye and before you know it, you will be sitting for ten and twenty minutes and you will crave the silence."

And you know what? She was right.  So wherever you are during the day, whether you are five minutes early picking up your child at school, at work on a lunch break, or waiting for a meeting to take place, just close your eyes, listen to the sound of your breath...5 minutes.  I promise you, written with love and first hand experience, you will begin to access the peace you are so desperately seeking.

Partner Yoga - A Great Way to Begin Trusting

[caption id="attachment_49" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Maggie and Me Supporting Each Other"][/caption]

 

 

Partner Yoga - A Great Way

to Begin Trusting

To the right is my friend Maggie.  I'm the one wearing the yellow shirt.  We took a partner yoga class together at The Yoga Loft in Summerville, SC, one of the most wonderful, intimate studios in the Charleston area,where I just so happen to teach.  There is nothing quite like partner yoga.  It is fun.  It can make you laugh like crazy.  It can be a little intimidating and scary.  And it can make you cry.  It requires complete trust and vulnerability.  It requires trusting someone you may or may not know.  Sometimes it can feel very intimate. 

One thing is for sure. It is amazing.  If you allow, love will pour out of you and you feel a beautiful sense of empowerment through completely supporting your partner and encouraging her to trust you to hold her up, to be there for her if she feels a sense of imbalance, to catch her if she falls.

And the same goes for you when it is your turn to be held up, to trust, to allow someone to catch you if you start to fall.  As it is in in life, right?  There is someone for us, for each and every one of us.  They are just waiting to love us, if we will only let them. There is empowerment and liberation in engaging with another individual in this way.  And when we come from a place of love and empowerment...ahh life is so much easier. 

I realize this is easier said than done, trusting and allowing yourself to be vulnerable that is, which is exactly why I chose to write about the partner yoga experience.  My first experience with partner yoga was in teacher training at Holy Cow Yoga in Charleston.  I had been looking forward to a partner yoga class for quite some time, but when it came right down to it, I got really nervous.   I thought, who is my partner going to be?  What if I screw up?  What if I am too heavy for her?  What if she doesn't like me?  What if there's no connection?  I had a lot of "what ifs".

Various Emotions During Partner Yoga

It felt kind of odd at first sitting in Sukasana, easy pose, back to back with someone I really didn't know very well.  I felt vulnerable right away and giddy at the same time.  I thought my partner would notice that I wasn't as flexible as she was and that it may not be fun for her to be with someone like me.  I made judgements about myself that weren't very kind.  As we were guided through our partner yoga  poses I found myself flooded with many different emotions such as:

Insecurity            Happiness            Love            Fear            Nervousness            Anxiety

I remember not wanting to make eye contact, but my partner was lovely and seemed secure and confident.  I quickly learned that she was very comfortable just loving me, assiting me with her calmness, laughter and easy going style.  We both laughed so much and really enjoyed attemping the poses.  And the more I laughed and the more poses we we were guided through, the more I lightened up.  The more I lightened up, the more exhilerated I became and then a sense of trust followed and it was actually the most fun I've had in a very long time.  I just let go.  I was doing things I hadn't even attempted since my gymnastic days many years ago.  I don't know how well I did them, but it was a blast trying.  You know why?  I had support.  Love and support filled the room.

In Partner Yoga - Vulnerability Becomes Exhileration

I couldn't wait to take another class.  So when The Yoga Loft offered a workshop in the fall, I jumped on it!  Maggie was my partner.  I know Maggie loves me and we had a wonderful,  fun experience.  I think our experience at Holy Cow really assisted Maggie and I help the other students lighten up, trust and let go.  There should be a partner class coming up somewhere soon as Valentines day approaches.  I would encourage anyone reading this to take a leap and engage in this wonderful activity.  It is a safe environment to begin trusting again and oh so much fun!

  



Axiom of Partner Yoga

 - All things are interdependent

 - Touch and Intimacy are basic human needs

 - Fear and Pain are two of life's greatest teachers

 - Exercise and rest are essential for vibrant health

 - Laughter and play are life's fountains of youth

 - Partnership is based on trust and communication

 - Breath is life

Taken from: Partner Yoga; Making Contact for Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Growth by Cain Carroll and Lori Kimata

When Rage Rears Its Ugly Head

I sit here in the Marriott in Cold Spring, NY waiting for my husband to come and pick me up for one final evening with the family before heading back home to South Carolina.  I have tried to rest today, eyes shut, envisioning Archangel Raphael's green loving light engulfing my body.  It has been a difficult week.  Sometimes being in close proximity to family for more than a few days at a time can be stressful.

This week, I saw myself, yet again, facing a difficult situation with my mother-in-law.  Through her frustration with her own life, I was reminded of my own rage, my own blow ups, my own blame, the blame I have so eagerly placed on others for my own unhappiness.  Oh, the rage is still there, yes indeed.  Years and years and years of holding onto to feelings that don't serve us will come out time and again manifesting  in physical and emotional pain.  I say that as I sit here, shoulder throbbing for no apparent reason whatsoever, at least not to the logical eye. 

But this time was, at least, a little different.  Instead of continuing the screaming battle, normally followed by an abrupt exit, I remembered how my husband forgave me for my blow ups and how he held me as I sobbed in frustration at my own inability to love myself.  In that moment, thinking of him, my mother-in-law started to sob.  I could not walk away.  I hugged her and held her and told her I loved her.  I told her we just want her to be happy.  We want happiness for her.  And then we sat and talked for a few moments, at least, until we were interrupted by icy snowy wet pants freezing the buns off of my six-year-old.

I shared with her the many years of experience and familiarity, the relationship I had with rage, starting with rape.  I had never shared any of this personal information with her before.  I told her, how for many years, I was accustomed to coming into a conversation with anyone, dukes up, ready to do battle, my unique talent of manipulating men or anyone for that matter.  I said to her, "I don't want to live that way anymore.  That's not who I am."  And this rage, is not who she is.  It does not define who we are, any of us. It is a red flashing light that says, if it could talk of course, "STOP.  Love Yourself."

Even though this episode ended in hugs and forgiveness, I still find myself wanting to meditate, to love and release myself from internalizing someone elses rage, something of a common occurence not so long ago.  This comes with practice.  Lots and lots of practice.

May we all go into the New Year meditating a little more on loving, showing compassion, kindness and forgiveness toward others and toward ourselves.  May we first seek joy, in all things. May we enjoy a more peaceful, healthy and prosperous life in 2010.  Happy New Year!