It's Christmas...Breathe

I was pondering what to blog on this very special week, wondering during the hustle and bustle what message I wanted to share this Christmas.  As I was beeped at waiting in a line of cars being driven by people feeling the same rush of holiday madness turning into the crowded parking lot of Barnes and Noble, I was reminded of the 2009 Christmas letter I wrote recently which was sent out to our close friends and family members.  The following is the message I shared with so many, and now all of you as well:

 

It’s that time of year, the time of year we rush around to buy presents, get everything wrapped, packed, shipped and whatever else we feel we have to do by some unreasonable deadline we have set for ourselves.  As I take a moment to sit down to write, I take a deep breath, something I’m into these days, and I thank the universe for what she gives me each and every day, my husband, my son, my family and friends, and the endless love and support I receive should I choose to recognize it.  I have learned that sometimes the universe has a funny way, not necessarily ha-ha, of showing me when I need to slow down and quite literally smell the roses.  When I listen she tells me when a change is in order and creates circumstances in which for me to learn and grow, gently nudging me to make a new path for myself, to emerge as the being I have always wanted to be, heart open, no strings.

 

Sometimes this does not feel so easy.  It is not always easy to get up in the morning and face challenges day in and day out and sometimes I really just want to hide behind my email, hoping no one will notice my fear, my imperfection.  I go on like this for a while and then my husband Troy comes in and tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.  Or my son Liam will come and give me a kiss, and if I’m lucky anymore, sit on my lap for a while. 

 

You see it doesn’t really matter what happened this year.  What matters most are the moments we sit back, take a deep breath and allow our hearts to feel the love of our family and friends.  There were many ups and downs in 2009 leaving many of us short of breath, uncertain about the future.  So remind yourself in the New Year, just breathe.  Everything else can wait.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

With Love,

 

Donna and Family

 

Trying To Be Perfect

Yoga From The Inside Out 

 

 My yoga teacher recently gave me a wonderful book to read called, "Yoga from the Inside Out”, by Christina Bell.  I would recommend this book to anyone interested in yoga, but particularly to those who have been abused.  Christina’s story really resonated with me although our abuse came in different forms.  Her desire to be perfect led her to problems such as eating disorders and fluctuating weight.

 

How many of us out there try to be perfect and why?  If you remember in my first blog I mentioned powering through yoga poses, pleasing people to the point of losing my integrity.  And what for? I would like to share with you the following passage from Christina’s book, page 107. 

 

One day Christina called the senior practitioner from her yoga community after months of feeling stressed from running her own coffee shop, beating herself up about being a terrible boss, being rude to her customers and what a spiritual loser she felt she was.  When the practitioner was able to speak, she said, “You know, we often forget that spiritual work is not about getting perfect—this work is about being surrendered.”

Trying To Be Perfect

 

Shocked at the reply, Christina goes on to say, “I began to reflect on how through all my years of therapy, therapy training, and yoga practice I was striving to be perfect so that I would be more loveable.  I imagined that if I did enough work on myself, I would no longer have neurotic manifestations or offensive personality traits.” That practitioner went on to say that such idealization wasn’t the point.  Surrender was the point. 

Reading this passage of the book, I was reminded of how often I felt that people could see right through me, viewing all of my imperfections and that if I was just smarter, prettier, more polished, more successful, I would finally be loved, not realizing what was staring me straight in the face.  I first had to love myself. 

 

It is not always as cut and dry as, “Oh yeah, I forgot, let me just love myself.”  If you have been beating yourself up for years, loving yourself may be easier said than done.  Abraham-Hicks, the authors of, “Law of Attraction”, repeatedly suggest to us that we go out to the water, get into the boat, and instead of allowing the boat to take us downstream, we immediately paddle upstream.  And…we insist on doing it that way!  That’s a hard way to live.

Letting Go Of Resistance

 

One of the ways I began to love myself was to recognize how resistant I was to life.  I never went with the flow.  I was determined to fight my way through everything.  For years I felt exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally.  Sometimes I still do.  But at least now I am aware.  And when I get all wound up over something, I gently, and I mean gently, remind myself to let go.

 

That’s where yoga comes in.  When I am taking a class and I feel like I should be able to bend forward more, hold the plank position longer, or lay flat like a pancake in Janu sirsasana, head to knee pose, I sometimes silently scold myself for not being able to hold the position perfectly or the way I feel my body should respond.  Then I slow down take a deep breath and remind myself that wherever I am is the position that is perfect for me.  I tell myself to relax and breathe.  Am I resisting? Just breathe Donna.  Stop resisting. 

 

My teacher always says, “You’re not going to get any brownie points trying to be like Gumby.”  What does that mean?  Just love yourself the way you are, right now, today.  Be gentle with yourself by releasing any self criticism, even if it is for a few moments in the day or the hour that you practice yoga, allowing your body to just go with the flow.  It feels so much better.

Yoga: A Guide to Self Love

This is a story, not about tragedy, but about healing.  More than 25 years ago, I was raped by two young men, one of which was a football star at the high school I attended.  It was a devastating time for me and for my family.  Up until my teens I was a pretty happy kid.  I had parents and sisters who loved me and I had very happy memories of my childhood.  The rape along with some other unfortunate experiences seemed to put the nails in my coffin. 

For many years I felt very ashamed and struggled with self-confidence, self-love and security evident in the promiscuity that followed.  For years I brushed it off, never understanding why I engaged in such self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much, pleasing people to the point of losing myself and compromising my own integrity.  I took three showers a day plus a bath or two trying to wash away the dirt.  I never felt quite clean enough.

Any tragedy such as physical abuse of any kind, emotional abuse, the loss of a loved one, sickness or other experiences that leave us with a feeling of devastation, hopelessness, anger, resentment, depression, worthlessness or any other feeling that just doesn’t feel good need no longer keep us from experiencing the world as a beautiful place.  The healing begins when we begin to love ourselves.  When we begin to experience ourselves as loveable, the label of victim no longer serves us.  The more we love ourselves, the more empowered we become.

It was about ten years ago when I took my very first yoga class.  Being an athlete most of my life, I powered through all the poses.  It was held in a gym, so there wasn’t much talk about Patangali’s eight limbed path or the emotional side of yoga.  I was just proud I could do a handstand with no problem.  Over ten years, I read as much spiritually based material I could get my hands on, including books by Marianne Williamson, Gary Zukav, Louise Hayes and many many more.  Two years ago, I took a life transition course with Nella Barkley (The Crystal-Barkley Corp), and after much time and two binders full of work , my true desires started to surface.  I knew I really wanted to serve in a way that would help people everywhere heal from emotional hurt.  I wanted to open my heart and love people and I knew I wanted those people to feel loved. 

 I decided to become a yoga teacher, a decision in which I live in appreciation every day.  It was during that time in yoga teacher training that I really began to see myself differently, to see myself and experience myself as a loving, loveable human being.  The stillness of yoga, the movement of yoga, the surrender of the pose, the quiet time, allows me to appreciate myself for who I am.  Do I still try to power through yoga poses?  Yes.  Do I need to remind myself that resistance is no longer needed?  Yes.  This blog is all about the healing power that lies within us.  Touching base with the soul every day does the heart, body and spirit good.  Please join me as we journey together to release the patterns of our lives that no longer serve us and to gain a sense of self, clarity and peace.

Namaste,

Donna Suguna Marguglio